Which Team Am I On Again?
by StansGirl512
Summary: Stan is having a difficult time coming to terms with himself. He can't seem to stop thinking of his best friend in ways he shouldn't be. He doesn't know what to do or where to turn. He receives help from someone he wouldn't have expected. (Cover image is cosplay between my best friend and I. I own this image, no other persons have permission to use it.)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This story is rated M for a reason. It contains sex, adult language, drugs, and difficult situations. With that said, please enjoy!**

Chapter 1: "Well, shit…"

I'm sitting on my bed with my pants around my ankles. I feel all my stress melt away as a warm, wet mouth wraps around my dick. I lay my head back and my eyes roll into the back of my head. It feels amazing. I grunt in satisfaction.

Kyle looks so hot with his mouth around my cock. He really knows what he's doing, like it isn't the first time he's done this. I reach my hand down and tangle my fingers in his beautiful red curls. He quickens his pace and I can feel myself getting close. I can't contain myself anymore.

"Mmm…. Kyle" I moan breathily.

Suddenly he stops.

"What the fuck did you just call me?!"

My head jerks up and my eyes shoot open, pulling me back to reality. I can feel the panic on my face. I look down between my legs and see Wendy on her knees, staring up at me angrily like she's about to bite my dick off.

She stands up quickly and I can see the look on her face is serious.

"I said Wendy?" I say in a questioning tone, knowing very well I've already nailed my coffin shut.

"You just called my Kyle!"

"It was an accident, I didn't mean it, honestly, it just slipped out!" I say, pleading with her to not be upset.

"Do you love him?" She asks.

"What? No, of course not!" I say. This being the truth as far as I can tell. I do love Kyle, as a friend. He's my super best friend and yes, there is love. I love him, but I'm not IN love with him. Yet, for some reason I can't keep my perverted thoughts under control. He has been clouding my brain when I jack off, and now apparently when I'm trying to be intimate with my girlfriend. There is lust there I suppose. He is really attractive. He has broad shoulders and a slim figure, he's taller than me by about 4 inches. (I'm 5'9, he's 6'1). He has those beautiful read curls, and the nicest emerald eyes that can completely paralyze you with one look. When he takes his sweaty shirt off after gym class… I stop thinking at this point because I'm not helping myself in my current situation.

"Are you sure? Because it seems to me that he's on your mind an awful lot, even now, while I'm giving you head! Were you thinking about him? Are you gay?! Oh, my god, I knew it!" She doesn't even stop to breathe. I grab her shoulders and make her look me in the eyes.

"No Wendy, I'm not gay. If other people want to be gay, that's fine, but it's not my thing." I say.

"Stan, please don't lie to me. You know very well that I'm not stupid!" She says crossing her arms.

I stand up, tuck myself back into my boxers and pull up my pants, then sit back on the bed and look down at the floor. She takes a seat next to me and takes hold of my hand.

She takes a deep breath, then smiles. "We've only been back together for two weeks, maybe we rushed into things. I mean, yes, we've dated before but that was 5 years ago, we were only 11 years old back then. I didn't think about the fact that maybe we aren't compatible anymore, or the fact that you'd possibly like dick instead."

"I don't like dick Wendy" I sigh.

"Stan, please, be honest with me. Were you thinking about Kyle?"

I look down again. "Kind of?" I say ashamed of myself "but I have no clue why, because I know I'm not gay!"

"Honey, you just said you were thinking about a GUY while getting a blow job, that's a gay thought sweetie." She says as she rubs the back of my hand trying to be reassuring but it isn't working.

I feel like a freaking idiot. Wendy is smart, and beautiful. Any guy would kill to be with her. It's not that I don't want to be with her, because I do, but I don't think it's going to happen now due to the current conversation. She's going to leave, I know she is.

I don't know why it all of the sudden feels like I'm talking to a therapist instead of my girlfriend. I start tearing up and say, "I don't want to be gay."

She smiles, "Maybe you're not. Let's talk for a minute, do some _research._ "

"okay…" Now I'm suddenly nervous. What does she mean 'research'?

"Tell me about Kyle." She says, studying my face.

"Well, he's my best friend. He's really smart and talented. He is Jewish and plays basketball. He is really good at computer programing, he wants to work for Sony one day!" I say, proud of my super best friend.

She smiles and nods. "What does he look like?"

"He has red hair, and is tall-" she cuts me off.

"close your eyes and imagine him in your mind, what does he look like?"

I close my eyes and picture Kyle. "Kyle has broad shoulders, he's also really tall, his chin comes to my forehead. His hair is red and curly, it's also really soft and smells… kind of nice…" I peek open an eye to look at her, she's smiling and nods for me to continue. "He has the most beautiful eyes. They are emerald with little flakes of gold sometimes. He looks me straight in the eyes when we have a conversation. His lips… well… they look really soft. He has a nice body too, when I watch him change in the locker room he is always shiny with sweat and... oooh… I see where you're going with this…" I blush in embarrassment.

"Stan! You're gay!"

I shake my head rapidly. "No, no, no, no! I'm really not gay! I don't think about guys like that! …. Just Kyle, apparently."

She smiles. "Maybe you aren't gay. There's always a possibility that you're just attracted to one person of the same sex. Or hell, you could even be bi. Sexuality is confusing and that's okay. You're still young, experiment! You never know. I spent a whole summer fooling around with Bebe and that was kind of nice and-"

"What?!" I ask in disbelief.

"She decided that she didn't like women, and that's okay. Really, I'm over it. It was 2 years ago, we were young and didn't really know what we were doing anyways… It's not important, we are talking about you!"

I sit there not really knowing what to say in response. So, she just continues, "Spend some time on the computer… they have 'erase history' for a reason you know. See what you like… See what turns you on"

I blush hard and frown. I can't believe her mouth was on my dick not even 15 minutes ago, and now she's telling me to watch gay porn! She gives me a hug and takes her leave. I sit there frustrated, and ultimately, confused. I feel the ache in my groin as I realize I was denied orgasm just as I was reaching my climax… I get up and lock the door.

Did she break up with me? Are we still together? These questions flood my head as I drop my pants to the floor and kick off my socks. I grab my soft member and begin to stroke it slowly. 'Experiment' she says, sure, whatever. I close my eyes and think of Wendy. She's straddling me and looks down and smiles as she unhooks her bra. She giggles and moves to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She leans down to kiss my neck...I start stroking a little harder to try to become fully erect. She reaches down and grabs my dick and begins stroking it. I stop and frown and my semi-hard dick. Then I sigh admitting defeat and grab the lube out of my side table drawer. I lube up my dick and my fingers really well and go back to it. I start to pump harder and tease around my entrance before closing my eyes once more. It's Kyle this time. He is pumping my dick and his at the same time, pressing them together, while fingering my ass hole. I stick a finger in myself and let out a pleasured shudder. "Mmmmm… Ky, I like when you finger me".

I'm rock hard at this point with pre-come dripping from my tip. I stroke harder and start thrusting my finger. I curl up my legs, pulling them to my chest and add a second finger. "Mmm, yeah Kyle, fuck me, fuck me!"

That sends me over the edge. I quickly grab a tissue and come hard. It's coming in waves and I shudder and have trouble regaining myself…

I've never actively TRIED thinking of Kyle, he usually just sneaks his way into my brain. Now that I actually made an effort I may have just had the biggest orgasm of my life.

I tuck myself back into my boxers and get under my covers. I look up at the ceiling.

"Well, Shit…"

End Ch. 1

 **Please be sure to R &R, tell me what you think.**

 **Also, based on character personality in the show, I think Stan and Kyle would take turns. I'm not sure why, but it just seems a lot hotter that way to me. And it's kind of rare to see a Kyle as a power top… so, yeah… :#3**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

School the next day is very awkward. I didn't mean for it to be, but I found myself trying to avoid Kyle. If I avoided him, then I wouldn't have to see him. If I didn't see him, maybe I wouldn't think about him. I know it sounds juvenile and stupid but it's really the only thing I can think of.

First period comes and goes, I manage to hide out in the bathroom until he has already left his locker. However, once fifth period comes I realize that I can't avoid him any longer unless I skip class. I can't skip fifth period, it's American History and I'm just barley passing by the skin of my teeth. I can't afford to fail otherwise I risk getting kicked off the football team. Coach and the team would kill me! Besides, if I missed class Kyle would probably come by after school to bring me my homework. I'd honestly prefer to see him here than being with him alone in my bedroom.

Alone in my bedroom… mmm…. He would come in and show concern because he would think I was sick all day. He would come over to me and put his forehead on mine to check for a fever. Then, I'd lean up and kiss him. He's kissing back and pulls me tighter to him by the collar of my shirt, then works his way down my neck and… God damn it! I snap out of it and bring myself to focus on getting to class on time.

I shuffle into the class room, slide into my desk and lay my head down. I can hear him sliding into his desk next to me. He pokes me and I turn my head slightly to the side, looking at him with only one eye.

"Dude, you're here today? I thought you were absent. I haven't seen you all day, where the hell have you been?"

I just grunt in response and lay my head back down. He starts rubbing my back and I am suddenly very aware of his touch. My face burns with embarrassment. Why is he touching me? Ugh! He always touches me, it's what friends do. Why is everything so confusing and frustrating all the sudden?

"Are you sick or something? Maybe you should go to the nurse, your cheeks look red." He reaches his hand under my head and feels my forehead. I tense up quickly, though he doesn't seem to notice. He pulls his hand away and I breathe a quiet sigh of relief. "you don't feel like you have a fever" he says.

"I'm just tired I guess" I mumble. I guess this could be true. I didn't sleep very well last night. I kept trying to figure out what the hell is happening to me. Why am I lusting after my best friend? And why so suddenly? It's only been a week since I first started having perverted thoughts about Kyle. It started with a wet dream.

 _We were up in my room playing game sphere like we always do when he doesn't have basketball and I don't have football. We were playing a fighting game and I was kicking his ass. He became frustrated when he saw a K.O flash on screen after I gave the final blow. He threw down the controller and punches me playfully._

" _Damn dude, again?" he grunts in frustration and all I can do is laugh and punch him back._

" _If we were in a wrestling match for real, I would totally kick your ass" he says smugly._

" _Sure, whatever dude."_

" _I'm serious, I've been working out, I'd totally win."_

" _Oh yeah? Prove it." I taunt._

 _He pounces and we start to wrestle, only a few moments pass before he is straddling me and has my arms above my head, holding my wrists together. I try the best I can to roll over and break free, but I can't seem to get the upper hand. He smirks as his entire weight is on my body and he's overpowering me with his newly acquired strength. "I knew one day I'd finally be stronger than you!" he smiles. I struggle again with little result; my breathing starts to get heavy and I look up at him with pleading eyes. He brings his face a mere inch or so from mine and whispers "Say uncle". I don't though, instead I reach my neck up and close the gap between our lips. He seems shocked at first but when he feels my tongue barley touch his bottom lip, he takes control. He is kissing back now, very hard, grabbing the collar of my shirt. He makes his way down my neck with his lips and leaves several marks. He hungrily fumbles with the button of my jeans. When I don't object, he says, "I've wanted this for a very long time."_

" _Me too" I breathe, reaching up to take off his shirt._

 _He slides my jeans off and reaches for my rock-hard erection, pumping now, almost violently. I moan in pure ecstasy. I am already close. I feel his erection on my thigh that he is now straddling, and I can't control myself any longer. "come for me baby! I want to see your O face." He smirks._

 _With that, I release with a violent cry, getting it all over my shirt._

" _Damn dude, you're fucking sexy as hell! Look, at what you do to me." He says, gesturing to his erection._

 _I look at the bulge in his jeans and bite my bottom lip. He starts grinding against me, "Fuck, I wanna fuck you! Can I fuck you? Fuck it, I'm gonna fuck you!" he says as he urgently takes his pants off._

 _Beep… beep…beep!_

BEEP…BEEP…BEEP! The alarm clock screams at me.

I woke from my dream with my heart still racing. I felt under the covers and… Shit… then I had to wash my sheets without waking my mom.

That was last week. Ever since that dream, I can't seem to masturbate without Kyle sneaking into my thoughts. I didn't think it was a big deal because I was just touching myself. Now though, it's a big problem. I can't even be intimate with SOMEONE ELSE. He's there, always. He's there to fill my brain with desire and the need to feel him in ways that best friends shouldn't feel each other. I don't know what to do. I don't want to pursue things with him because I know it wouldn't be right. I know Kyle is straight, and I can't risk our life-long friendship just because my brain and dick are ganging up on me. This is ridiculous. If I avoid Kyle, I risk messing up our friendship. If I keep thinking of him, I also risk messing up our friendship. The only way out of this is to just make the thoughts go away. I'm not gay anyway. I can't be gay. I'm Stan Marsh, and Stan Marsh most certainly is NOT gay.

Kyle doesn't speak again because the teacher has started her lesson.

Wendy said that it's possible to still be straight and just have an attraction for one other person of the same sex. I guess that's possible. Why do I feel like I need another therapy session? I don't want to talk to Wendy though. I really don't feel like being around her and giving myself more grief for what happened yesterday. I don't even know if she's my girlfriend anymore. I pull out my phone and hide it under my desk. I send a test message to Wendy.

'Are we still together? I understand if the answer is no. I'm just so confused right now.' Send.

She doesn't text back. Not that I expect her to, we are in the middle of class. The bell rings, signaling the end of fifth period. The rest of the day goes by surprisingly quick. I can breathe a little bit easier because I only have the one class with Kyle.

Still, I can't help but wonder what's really going on. This isn't normal, is it? I need to talk to someone, but who? I don't want to talk to Wendy, not yet. I can't talk to Kyle, even though I've always talked to him about everything. Who does that leave? Cartman? Hah! Yeah right. I sigh and text the only person I truly feel I have left.

'Hey Kenny, I was wondering if you could come over after school? I have something that's been bugging me and I really need to get it off my mind'

He responds almost immediately.

'Well, I planned on getting high when I got home, and I doubt very seriously your parents wouldn't notice if I lit up in your room. You can come keep me company at my place if ya want.'

I let out a sigh. I've known that Kenny smokes weed, but I still get slightly uncomfortable with the thought of being around it. I guess it's my parents and Mackey hammering 'drugs are bad' into my head. I start to wonder what made him even want to try it in the first place. I decide that the talk is too important to be a pussy about a stupid little plant. Maybe if he's high enough he will forget the conversation shortly after it happens.

'Kay, I'll be there at about 3:30.'

End Ch 2


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I get to Kenny's house at about 3:45. Kenny answers the door and leans against the frame, sporting a cheesy grin. "Heeeey buddy…" then bursts into a fit of laughter. I roll my eyes, he's already high off his ass.

"Hey" I say back.

"Please, please come in!" he moves, allowing me to enter.

We go up to his room and he quickly shuts the door behind us.

"So… what's new with you?" he asks flopping down on his bed, which is only a mattress on the floor.

"Just how high are you right now? You seem pretty gone." I say in a serious tone, joining him on the bed.

"I'm good, I'm good. I'm just a little bit high." He uses a high pitch tone to say the word 'little' and uses his thumb and index finger to gesture 'little'.

"yeah, okay. Sure."

"you seem sad, whatsssss the matter?" he drags out the words, then sits up and puts his chin on my shoulder. I brush him off.

"I'm stressing over something really dumb. My stupid brain is being fucking retarded." I clench my fists and am becoming angry. I don't want to think about this anymore, I really don't. I want it all to stop

"You need to relax man. Here, smoke this with me, ya?" he's holding a pipe and looks at me before wiggling his eyebrows.

I'd never done drugs before. I knew this was not a good idea, but Kenny seemed happy and carefree right now, so maybe I would too. If it would make Kyle leave my personal thoughts, I'd try anything.

"Sure. Why not." I say flatly as I reach for it.

"Seriously? Wait, what?!" he asks in disbelief. "Stan, you don't smoke weed, you're a "good kid" remember? I was completely joking, you know I'd never pressure you. Don't be a retard."

"Just shut the fuck up and tell me how to do this." I say as I put the pipe up to my mouth.

He looks at me skeptically, then takes my hands in his showing me how to hold the pipe. "and then you light and inhale, then take this finger off this hole here is you breathe in. Don't blow out right away, hold it in for as long as you can." He looks nervous as hell and possibly a little disappointed.

I do as I'm told but am only able to hold my breath for three seconds before coughing harder than I ever have in my entire life. I try again, this time making it to 10 seconds, coughing a bit at the end of my exhale.

"I don't feel anything" I frown and do it again.

"Whoah whoah, slow down. That shit's a creeper. Its gonna hit you real hard here in a few minutes."

He takes the pipe from me and uses the end of the lighter to pack the bowl tighter. He takes a few hits and sets it down.

"Okay, now tell your pal Kenny what's going on." He puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Well, I really don't know how to say this, but I don't know who I am anymore. Like, I think I'm having an identity crisis."

Kenny just laughs, "dude, you're being ridiculous. What, are you worried you're gay or something?" He laughs again until he sees that my concerned face hasn't changed… "Oh… Shit dude. Really? You're fucking with me, right?"

"I wish I was… ugh, when is this shit going to kick in? I still feel mad and confused!"

"It will, just give it a minute. Why do you think you're gay?"

"well... because I keep having gay thoughts about someone, It's really frustrating."

"Why don't you just tell Kyle you're hot for him?"

"What? Who said it was Kyle? It's not Kyle!"

"If it wasn't Kyle, you'd be having this conversation, sober, with him" he looks at me with knowing eyes.

"God damn it Kenny! I hate you." I look down at my shoes. And I can feel him smiling, feeling accomplished with his detective skills.

I suddenly look left to right and notice that the edges of my vision are becoming fuzzy. I look over at Kenny and he makes a silly face, for some reason, it's the funniest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. I burst into hard laughter and my sides start to ache from laughing so hard. What the hell? It wasn't even that funny, yet for some reason I have uncontrollable laughter.

"Congrats Stan, you're high." He looks at me with his cheesy grin, and I can tell he's feeling it again too.

"Shiiiiiiiit. Hahahahaha!"

"So anyways, back to you. What do you mean gay thoughts?"

"Come on man, don't make me say it. I was talking to Wendy about it and-" I get cut off.

"Shit dude, I forgot, you're like, with her and you're gay with your super best friend. Damn dude. What did she say? Are you guys still together? How did it even come up?"

"It's a long story man, all I know is that she says that sometimes you can be straight but have lust or feelings for one other person of the same sex."

"Mmm…" he nods showing he's listening.

"She also said maybe I'm bi. I don't know if we're still together. I mean, if your boyfriend was gay wouldn't you break up with him?" I look at him with a face of defeat.

"If I had a boyfriend the point would be that he IS gay."

"you fucking smart ass, you know what I mean." I say, then suddenly start laughing uncontrollably again.

I lay back on the bed clutching my sides and don't stop until I feel a presence over me. I open my eyes and see Kenny hovering over me. All laughing ceases and I suddenly feel a bit scared.

"What are you doing?" I ask cautiously.

"I'm trying to help you. Maybe Wendy is right, maybe it is just Kyle." He says lowering his face toward mine.

"Kenny, you're straight." I breathe shallow, suddenly nervous. I've never kissed anyone but Wendy before. Wendy, a woman. I've never kissed another guy before, I never thought I would want to. Do I want to kiss Kenny? I don't even know. Stupid pot, clouding my brain.

"So?" he laughs "but in all seriousness, you're my friend. Just consider this my way of helping you figure out who you are."

He closes his eyes and presses his lips to mine. It feels strange. Not bad though. It is certainly different than kissing Wendy, that's for sure. He deepens the kiss and licks my bottom lip, biting at it just slightly. I grunt in satisfaction. I open my mouth allowing his tongue to enter, as he climbs the rest of the way on top of me. I tangle my fingers in his greasy blond hair, earning a slight hum from him. I feel myself getting hard. I'm so fucking confused. What the actual fuck is happening to me right now!? I lose all feeling of self-control. I reach my hands up under his shirt behind him, and start scratching his back. I'm completely lost in this moment and I'm not sure if it's the drugs or not, but I find myself wanting more. I reach down for his pants and unbutton them. He stops.

"Whoa, hold on a minute, cowboy." He says and then gets off me.

I feel my face turn beat red. "Sorry" is all I can force out of my throat. It suddenly feels dry. My heart is still pumping quickly, but I'm not sure if it's because of the kiss itself or the sudden feeling of rejection.

"Well?" he says, "How was it? Though I'm not sure I even have to ask." He smiles like the smug asshole he is.

"I… I um… I think I'm bi?" My stomach hurts so much right now, I feel like I could shit a brick.

"Yeah, I would say so too. Either that or I'm just that damn good. I even gave you a stiffy and everything. Haha!" He points to my erection and I feel my whole face burn in shame.

"Shut the fuck up, asshole. Why did you do that to me? Now I feel like a fucking pervert. Fuck!" I clench my eyes shut, trying my hardest to not let the tears come. When my eyes finally open, tears sneak out the corners.

His smile fades and his face turns to one of concern. "It's okay man. It wasn't bad. I mean, I kind of liked it too." He says reassuringly.

"Really?"

"Yeah, but I do love pussy, and I know you know that."

"So do I! I think… Shit."

"Well, you must enjoy it at least a little when you and Wendy fuck, right?"

"Actually, we've never-"

"You're still holding your v-card man? Damn, I wasn't expecting that. I just figured you'd already gotten lucky."

I shrug. He gets a look on his face like he had a 'light bulb' moment. He grabs his phone and clicks around a bit and then flashes the phone to me. The screen has an image on it.

"Jesus, what the fuck is that?!" I ask as I shove the phone back towards him.

"It's a picture of Bebe's pussy." Seeming proud of his picture he received from her, though I'm sure she wasn't expecting Kenny to show it to her best friend's boyfriend.

"You're such an asshole, something like that is supposed to be private, why are you showing this to me anyways?" I ask annoyed.

"I wanted to see how you'd react, it was pretty fucking hilarious."

I scowl at him. "I think I should go."

"Do you feel better? I mean, now you know it's not just Kyle, though based on how you reacted to seeing the hottest think ever, I would venture to say you aren't bi either."

"I don't know how I feel right now" I admit, feeling bummed again. "I'm gonna go home. Thanks for your help I guess. I'll see you at school tomorrow." I get up and head towards the door.

"you know it babe." He winks and slaps my ass.

I turn around with a smile on my face and flip him off. "fuck you."

Once I am out of there, I take the walk home slowly. I allow all my thoughts to flow freely through my brain. I'm curious how long I was at Kenny's. I'm still high and time seems to be moving strangely; quickly and then extremely slow. I pull out my phone to check the time and notice Wendy finally replied to my text.

"Yes sweetheart, we are still together, you're just a little confused right now. It's not like you actually cheated on me or anything."

I feel my stomach drop and I'm instantly filled with guilt. "Fuck!"

End Ch.3

 **Be sure to R &R. What would you like to see happen? I'm always open to new ideas. Even if I don't use it here, it could spark inspiration for a new story! **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This chapter is a bit longer than the previous ones. I just kept going and couldn't stop. Hope you enjoy.**

Chapter 4

I walk to Wendy's house slowly. I'm dreading having to tell her what I did with Kenny. I told her at school today that I needed to talk to her. She didn't seem worried, which makes me nervous. I am still so lost in my own head. Am I gay? I still don't know the answer to this haunting question.

I approach her door slowly, and knock half-heartedly. She opens it with a big grin on her face.

"Hi Stan." She greets happily. How can she be so calm and collected? Her boyfriend could be a homo, I imagine that type of thing doesn't normally go over well. We go inside and I set my backpack on the floor before sitting with her on her bed.

"So, what do you want to talk to me about?"

"Wendy, I'm so sorry. I- I think I really am gay." I say, lowering my head. She doesn't say anything. The silence is haunting so I continue, speaking the words before I can filter them. "I did what you said, I experimented. It was nice, and now I'm almost positive that I'm only really attracted to men. I liked it a lot and wish that things could have gone further but he pulled away."

"Wait" she cuts me off "What are you talking about? I meant try jacking it to gay porn. What is going on?"

"I'm so sorry babe, I cheated on you."

She seems a little hurt now. "Oh. Well I guess I don't really have anything to say."

"I'm so, so, so sorry!" Though I know sorry isn't enough.

"It's okay Stan, I knew this was coming. I knew you were gay before you did. Honestly, I've always suspected it, but my suspicions were confirmed when you called me Kyle. I just- I wish that you had figured it out without having to cheat. I knew we weren't going to work, I knew you would figure out who you are soon, but it still hurts just a little." She slumps her shoulders.

"I want to fix this. How do I fix this?" I ask almost too desperately.

"you can't Stan. You're gay, and I'm a woman. You want to make me feel better? Be yourself. Embrace who you are. I want to help you. I still want to be friends, and see you be truly happy." She smiles half-heartedly.

I breathe a sigh of relief and the corners of my mouth curl up slightly. Then she's suddenly in 'girl mode'.

"So, what happened?" she grabs my hands eagerly.

"I discovered that the lips of a man feel, kind of nice… no offence." I'm blushing a bit.

"none taken. So, you kissed him? Did he kiss back? Surely you told him of your thoughts, so what did he say?"

"Oh" I say, now realizing that she misunderstood. "It um… it wasn't Kyle. It was Kenny."

"What?!"

"Yeah. I- um… I was high."

"Stan, you do drugs? I never would have expected that from you. I guess it's good that we're just friends now otherwise I'd have dumped you just now. I don't judge friends, but I refuse to have a druggie as a significant other." She says, with almost a scolding tone.

"I don't do drugs… didn't do drugs… I never had before. It was my first time, and it wasn't anything hard, just weed, I swear. I was confused and frustrated and saw it as a way out. I don't think I'll do it again." I'm not sure if this last statement is a lie or not.

"Oh, okay. Anyways, what happened with Kenny? I thought he was straight, though I suppose he could be bi."

"He's straight. I told him everything that was bothering me and I told him how you said that it could be that I'm straight and am just lusting after only Kyle… Then he said he wanted to help me figure it out, and he kissed me, and well, I kind of liked it. So now I know that I'm gay." I'm hoping that she doesn't pry on how I know I'm not bi instead. I really don't want to tell her that I've seen a picture of her best friend's vagina.

I'm noticing the more I say the words 'I'm gay' the more real everything seems to feel. I feel myself trying to deny it less and less. I'm starting to feel myself accepting it. But I worry about others accepting it, especially my girlfri- um.. ex-girlfriend. I start to wonder why she isn't more hurt by all of this. I decide now's as good a time as any to ask.

"Wendy, why are you so cool with this? I mean, how are you wanting to help me persue someone else when we were trying to start something between us?" I ask cautiously.

"I don't know Stan, I guess it's because… in a sense- I've been there, and I guess, I'm still kind of there now" She looks down.

"What do you mean?"

She sighs then chuckles, "It's a long story, and I'm too sober to bring out my skeletons." I knew Wendy didn't drink, not really. She had tried it once or twice and said she didn't like the taste. Wendy starts biting at her fingernails and I can tell that whatever these 'skeletons' are, they are really getting to her. She needs to talk about it, I can tell.

"I've got time, and booze… actually…" I pull a bottle of Jack Daniels out of my backpack. I drink more often than I'd like to admit. I wouldn't say I have a problem but it makes me numb and that helps me face life sometimes.

"Why do you have Jack?" she asks, though doesn't seem opposed to having some.

"I thought our conversation would go differently, I figured I'd need it for the walk home." I say shamefully.

"Tsk. Stan, you are such an idiot." She jokes.

"Well, if you don't want any-" I say, starting to slide it into my backpack. She grabs it from me and unscrews the cap, taking a swig directly from the bottle. She chokes, but forces herself to swallow it. I take a swig as well and hand it back to her. We pass it back and forth and I'm starting to feel warm. I can only imagine what she's feeling since her tolerance is probably much lower than mine.

"Too sober now?" I ask a few minutes later. She sighs and looks up, then smiles.

"I guess not, Okay, here goes; Remember when I told you I experimented with Bebe?" She sighs again. I nod and continue to take swigs as she talks.

"I, well, it wasn't just fun and games for me after a while. I started to feel things… for her. I wanted to be with her all the time, as more than just a friend." I can see her eyes starting to glaze over with tears that she refuses to let fall.

"It's okay Wendy, you can talk to me. We're friends now, remember?" I start to rub her back. Feeling now, that the decision not to tell her about the picture Kenny showed me was a good one. "What happened?"

"Well… it started off innocent. We were talking about boys and how we needed to learn how to kiss. It ended up with us talking about how to do it less, and practicing more. Then she and I would kiss all the time. I don't know when it turned so serious for me, but after a while, I knew I wasn't 'practicing for boys', I was just enjoying kissing her. I was wanting more and more. One night, the last time we talked for almost six months, I wanted things to go further. We had touched each other's chests before but, nothing further than that. I wanted more, I NEEDED more. I… I reached under her skirt. I wanted to touch her, and she stopped me. She told me that she couldn't let me do that. It was wrong she said, but it felt so right to me. I, ugh… I didn't listen and touched her anyway, I couldn't stop myself. She was so beautiful and I was so turned on. She pushed me away and told me that I needed to leave. She said she was done practicing with me. She didn't want to see me like we had been anymore." She lets the tears fall "Fuck, I thought I was over this. I wanted to convince myself that it all was a stupid game and that my feelings weren't real. I've been working so hard to be normal! Why am I not normal? WE, Stan… Why are WE not normal? *hiccup*" She's crying hard now. "I think I'm drunk"

I take in everything that she has said. I now realize that she was using me to forget about Bebe, just like I was using her, and booze, to forget about Kyle. It is all so much to grasp. Feeling overwhelmed, I lose myself in emotions and start to cry with her, I can tell I'm drunk now. I've lost track of how much I've had. I don't know why I'm crying, I haven't been through shit compared to what happened to her. I felt for her, and now I realize, that I think I found a new best friend. Though no one could replace Kyle, she was working her way up the totem pole quickly.

"You're an amazing person, you know that?" I hug her.

"So are you, thanks for listening. *hiccup* but now I feel like I've unbandaged a wound. It hurts. It FUCKING HURTS STAN!" she puts her face on my chest and starts balling uncontrollably.

"I know, Wendy, I know." My head starts swirling and I wish that I could make her feel better, make myself feel better. I lift her chin and wipe her tears. "It'll be okay"

She grabs the bottle again and takes another big swig. "Being rejected is such a horrible feeling. It makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me? I can't be that bad, can I? *hiccup*"

"There isn't anything wrong with you, you're absolutely beautiful! Any guy- er- person would be lucky to have you."

She looks up at me and I see something unfamiliar in her eyes. I decide to let myself succumb to the alcohol I've consumed way too much of. She grabs the collar of my shirt and kisses me. I go with it, kissing her back, numbness overpowering me. I imagine she's Kyle, just as I'm sure she's picturing someone else, Bebe perhaps. Suddenly I don't feel so bad. I can release these built-up feelings and hormones without feeling guilty about it, though, that could be the alcohol thinking right now. We have an unspoken understanding that this kiss isn't to mend what we have, it's to help us in our drunken, lonely state. I push her back on the bed and go down her neck. It's strange, we are touching each other carefully, to avoid touching spots that would let us know we are with the gender neither of us desire. She doesn't touch my chest or below my jeans, I don't touch her breasts or under her skirt. We both know now that we are imagining someone other than each other.

"Fuck me." She says lustfully with her eyes closed. "I know it's wrong but I'm so turned on right now, please, fuck me, Please! I want someone I trust never to hurt me to have my virginity." I nod, thinking that this is a valid point. I take a condom out of my wallet and put it on quickly. I don't look at her, she doesn't look at me.

I start fucking her slowly. I give her time to adjust and she moans which signals me that she's okay, so I keep going. I can feel her rubbing herself off as I'm fucking her. I imagine Kyle looking up at me and saying dirty things that get me there fast.

We both reach climax quickly, screaming out names that don't belong to each other. We are panting, and finally open our eyes. She looks at me and smiles.

"That felt really good." She said still breathing heavy

"Yeah, it did" I concur.

"Still Gay?" she asks

"Yup"

"Yeah, Me too."

And that's how I lost my virginity. It was awkward and we were drunk, but I don't regret it. I'd rather give my virginity to a friend who is in the same boat as I am, then to some asshole I think I might love only to have my heart ripped open when we break up. Simple as that. Wendy and I are now good friends, and though we now hold this piece of each other, neither of us can break the others heart, not anymore.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I'm nervous, it's Friday, and Friday is Kyle's night. When Wendy and I got back together, we all decided that Kyle would take my Friday nights and she would take my Saturdays. It was a great plan and seemed fair to all, but now, I'm not so sure. It'll be my first time being alone with Kyle since I've come out to myself, and I'm nervous as hell. Football had been taking up my Friday nights up until last week, so I didn't see him. I really shouldn't be so worried, it's just Kyle. Kyle is the same as he's always been, it's me that's different. My problem is that I'm not sure if I want to tell him. I know he would still be my friend if he knew I was gay, but if he knew that he was the root of me discovering my new sexuality, he might freak. My phone buzzes in my pocket during my walk home from school. It's a text from Kyle.

'Hey, we still on to stay at your place tonight? It feels like I haven't seen you all week.'

I swallow dryly and reply, 'Yeah dude, just let me know when you're on your way.'

I get a text back almost immediately. 'I'll be there in about 20 mins.'

I get to my house and run to my room. Suddenly I feel the urge to quickly clean up. There are dirty clothes all over the floor and fast food trash is crowding my laptop on the desk. I don't know what's come over me, Kyle has seen my room way messier than this so many times, but I am still cleaning anyway. Once my room is done, I re-apply deodorant, go brush my teeth, mouthwash, and pop a piece of spearmint gum in my mouth. Then he knocks on the door. Before I answer it, I douse myself in cologne. "ugh, what the fuck is wrong with me?" I ask myself aloud. I open the door and Kyle is smiling at me, holding his overnight bag.

"Hey dude." He comes in and gives me the brotherly one-armed hug. Then he frowns. "I thought we agreed you wouldn't see Wendy on Fridays."

"I'm not seeing Wendy tonight." I say, confused.

"Then why does your breath smell like you swallowed a fucking pine tree?"

"Oh" I say, now completely embarrassed. "I forgot to brush this morning" is the best excuse I can come up with on the spot like this. He seems to accept it and heads up the stairs toward my room.

"Wow, you finally cleaned up the place, looks nice." He nods approvingly.

Kyle is by no means a neat freak, but his room and locker are always clean and organized. He sits down in the center of the bed after kicking off his shoes, I'm just standing in the middle of the room awkwardly.

He looks up at me, "What?"

"Oh, um, nothing. I have to pee." I start to head for the bathroom and turn back around once I realize my cell phone isn't in my pocket. "do you see my phone?" I ask him.

"no, I didn't realize you need your phone to take a piss." He laughs. "Here, I'll call it for you." He dials my number and my phone lights up on the bed right next to his thigh. "Oh, here it is man."

Before he hands it too me he looks at the screen, then up to me. "Why does my name have a heart next to it?"

I immediately blush, kicking my own ass for forgetting I had changed it the night of mine and Wendy's drunken encounter. "Oh, I have a heart next to all my really close friends. Toss it to me will ya?" He doesn't though, he starts going through it.

"Cartman doesn't have a heart, neither does Kenny or Craig. Wendy doesn't even have one- "

I snatch it away from him and quickly make my way to the bathroom. Once I'm inside I call the only person I know that might be able to help me.

"Wendy? Can you hear me?" I whisper into the receiver.

"yeah hun, what's up? Why are you whispering?"

"I'm in the bathroom. Kyle is in my room and I can't even look him in the eyes. Help me! I don't know how I'm going to be able to spend all night alone with him!" I plead.

"Okay, calm down, I'll think of something. Let me call you back." She hangs up.

I look in the mirror and see that I'm shaking, my face is flush, and my hair is a mess. How did I let myself fall into this mess? Why did it have to be Kyle? Why couldn't I have developed these feelings for Kenny, or Craig? Or why not Cartman, I'd easily be able to brush those off no problem. I sigh and realize that I'll have to face him eventually. I head back to my room and notice that he has already made himself at home, like he always does. He has taken off his jacket, showing off his A7X tee, and is sitting against my headboard playing a game on the game sphere. He looks over to me and tosses me a controller, then pats the spot next to him on the bed. We start up the fighting game we always play, and once I focus on the screen, I'm able to breathe normally again. Even though Kyle is close to me, I'm able to give the TV my full attention, thank God! I find ways to ignore that he's the one beside me. I breathe through my mouth to avoid smelling him, and sit with my legs straight out instead of crisscrossed, to avoid accidentally brushing my leg against his. We play the game for a good thirty minutes before I finally declare victory!

"Damn, dude, you beat me again." He punches me playfully. "Ya know, if this were a real wrestling match, I'd totally kick your ass." He says smugly, and I feel like I'm going to throw up, feeling dejavu as I suddenly remember my dream that started all this.

"Yeah, you're right, you probably would." Panicked, I stand up as fast as I possibly can. "I'm gonna get a soda, do you want one?" I say almost too fast. He nods and gets up to follow me.

"Are your parents home?"

"No" I reply, curiously.

"Oh, okay good." He says as puts his jacket and shoes back on, then follows me down stairs. He walks to the back of the house and slides the patio door open, stepping outside. I see him reach into his pocket and pull out a pack of smokes and a lighter. My eyes shoot open and I go outside after him.

"What the fuck are you doing? You don't smoke!" I ask, shocked.

"I didn't… but… you haven't been around for almost a month. I needed someone to hang out with and well, there was Kenny. Peer pressure I guess. Now it's a habit, and I have one when I'm feeling stressed. Dude, I know I totally flunked my advanced calculus test today, it is totally gonna fuck up my 90 percent average." Then he lights the end and inhales deeply.

"Kyle, smoking is bad for you, what the hell are you thinking?"

"Well maybe if you hadn't have ignored me for the last week and been up Wendy's ass for almost a whole month, I would have never picked up this habit." He says snidely.

That hurt. He's blaming me for being a smoker? You can't be serious. I knew he probably would notice that I had been avoiding him, but really?! "I thought you were a 'good kid' Kyle. Good kids don't smoke cigarettes." God, I sound like his mother.

"Yeah? Well they don't smoke weed either Stan!" I feel my face flush. "Yeah, Kenny told me about you lighting up with him. What the hell? You can go see him and make dumb decisions but you can't even give me so much as a 'what's up' text. What the fuck did I do to make you mad at me?" I feel sick to my stomach, just how much had Kenny told him?

"I'm not mad at you Kyle. I've just been busy." I lie "Can… can I try that?"

He blinks at me, "You can't be serious. You don't want it, trust me. It tastes like shit. I only do it because I forced myself to get used to it and it helps me manage my stress."

I ignore him and reach over to snatch the smoke from his hand and put it up to my lips, taking a drag. I cough, stick out my tongue and hand it back to him. "Yup, that's gross as fuck, it's all yours."

He sighs, then a smile spreads across his face. He puts his hand on my head, ruffles my hair and says, "I hate that I can't fucking stay mad at you!"

He finishes his smoke, we grab our pop, and head back up to my room. I start to feel weird because we are alone again when my phone rings. It's Wendy.

"Hey, is Kyle with you?" she asks.

"Yeah, why?"

"Put me on speaker." So, I do, not knowing what she has up her sleeve.

"Hey Kyle, can you hear me? I'm having a small get together at my house tonight and I want you and Stan to come. My parents aren't home so there will be alcohol. Interested?"

Kyle shrugs and says "Sure, why not, if Stan wants to go." I nod "Yeah, we will be there."

"Cool, I'll text Stan the details." She hangs up.

I shoot her a text immediately.

'what the hell are you up to?'

'You said you didn't want to be ALONE with Kyle. It's Friday, which means you can't blow him off. You're welcome. Be at my place at 7. Bebe, Kenny, Craig, Tweek, and Clyde will also be there.'

I sigh and look up at Kyle, he flashes a smile and seems excited. I look at the clock and it's 6:30. Cool, I guess we're going to Wendy's.

End Ch. 5.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

I slip what's left of my Jack into my bag as Kyle and I head to Wendy's. Once we get there, we notice we are the last to arrive. Everyone has already started drinking and is seated in the living room. Kyle and I go to the kitchen and make ourselves some drinks. I take my Jack and fill a glass about halfway full with it, then fill the rest with coke.

"alcoholic much?" Kyle jokes.

"do you want me to make you one?" I ask him.

"Yeah… no thanks, I'd like to still be alive in the morning. I'll make my own."

He makes his drink the way a coke and whiskey probably should be, and we go to join everyone else in the living room. They are sitting in sort of a circle, Kyle and I plop down on the floor to close the circle more. Wendy looks around and claps.

"Yay! Everyone's here, what should we do?"

"How about spin the bottle?" Bebe suggests wiggling her eyebrows. I guess she figures she has great odds tonight considering she and Wendy are the only females.

"Hell yeah," Kenny concurs and raises his beer.

"Yeah, let's play." Tweek pipes up excitedly, obviously, a bit intoxicated. Craig looks over at him like he's stupid and lets out a light chuckle.

Everyone knew Tweek and Craig were gay. Ever since the Asians drew those pictures in middle school, they'd always been around each other. Everyone just rolled with it, including them. My mind starts to wonder what their life must be like. Being able to be with each other, so happy and not caring what others think.

We all scoot closer together, knees touching. I'm between Kyle and Wendy. Bebe reaches behind her and grabs an empty beer bottle and sets it in the middle, then she clears her throat and starts to speak.

"Okay guys, rules. Whoever it lands on is the next to take a turn. Also, it's not fair that Wendy and I are the only chicks. So tonight, wherever it lands, you must kiss that person, same sex or not! No stupid pecks either, it has to be a genuine kiss. It should last like, ten whole seconds at least. You don't have to necessarily go with tongue, but you know what I mean." She smiles, knowing she's going to see some guy-on-guy action.

Everyone seems tipsy enough not to argue. Everyone except me that is. My stomach drops for what feels like the millionth time today. I look over at Kyle who has already finished his first drink and is now working on something Tweek made for him. I chug the entire contents of my glass and set it on the coffee table behind me. I'm gonna have to kiss another guy. What if it's Kyle? Shit! Suddenly, I feel all that alcohol hit me hard, that was stupid to chug it like that, fuck! If I try to say that I don't want to play, everyone will think something is up with me.

The game begins with Bebe, who was persistent about going first. She leans into the circle, being sure to show off her cleavage being made by her low-cut shirt, and gives the bottle a spin. It slowly comes to a stop and lands on Wendy. Bebe pouts, knowing that she would have to follow her own rules. Wendy inconspicuously gives my thigh a squeeze before turning to Bebe. The two get up on their knees, close their eyes and lock lips. I can see Wendy's eyebrows curve inward with lust, as she pushes to kiss harder. She puts her hand on the small of Bebe's back and then move's her hand to her ass. Clyde puts his fingers to his lips and lets out a cat-call type whistle. Bebe is the first one to pull away, leaving Wendy a bit dazed. She seems to snap out of it quickly and adjusts her collar.

Wendy leans into the circle and takes her turn to spin the bottle. It lands on me, and everyone lets out a gushy 'aww'. I look at her, she shrugs and we kiss. I open my mouth just slightly, adhering to Bebe's rules and move my lips emotionlessly. We must have both been counting to ten in our heads, because we both pull away as soon as it's been exactly ten seconds. We smile at one another, like we have an inside joke. Technically we do, and it feels really cool to be on the same page.

I'm shaking a bit now knowing it's my turn. I slowly get up and spin the bottle. Time seems to be going in slow motion now as I watch the bottle spin round and round. 'Please not Kyle, please not Kyle,' I plead with the spin the bottle gods in my head. It comes to a stop and I about shit my pants. Of course, it fucking lands on Kyle. Why God why?! I look over at Kenny and he gives me a smug, knowing grin. My heart jump up into my throat and I feel Wendy, once again, squeeze my thigh secretively. I lean towards Kyle and mutter, "We don't have to do this if you don't want to, dude."

He shrugs and whispers back, "rules are rules"

He is the one who leads, bringing his lips to mine. I'm shaking so bad but try to keep my cool, I don't want him to notice anything. He puts his lips to mine, and I melt. I can smell the cigarettes on his breath but I don't care because I'm fucking kissing Kyle! I try to open my mouth just slightly but he doesn't do the same, then he pulls back. Really? That was the fastest 10 seconds of my fucking life. That's when I realize, he was counting in his head, just as Wendy and I did before. I feel my heart break and my chest really hurts. I get up to make myself another drink, taking my empty cup with me. I make another the same way I had before and down it fast. I need to feel numb right now.

When I get back I notice Kyle is kissing Bebe and I immediately feel jealous. He isn't kissing her the way he was kissing me. He's kissing her with feeling, opening his mouth, and touching her face. Ouch, my fucking heart! Then I knew, Kyle was straight. Kenny looks at me with sad eyes but I just shake my head and take my seat back in the circle, just as Kyle and Bebe pull apart.

Bebe takes her second turn for the night and it lands on Tweek, who seems… excited? That's weird. Clyde looks disappointed it wasn't him and Craig looks PISSED. Tweek crawls over to Bebe and locks lips with her hard. He grabs her and pulls her close, shoving his tongue in her mouth. Her eyes shoot open for half a second with shock but she immediately falls into it, using her tongue as well. After about 15 whole seconds, Craig pipes up, "Okay, okay, that's enough." He pulls Tweek away from Bebe and she giggles.

"That was a hell of a kiss, you sure you're gay?" She asks him.

Tweek shrugs, then says, "I never said I was, you guys just all assu-"Craig cuts him off.

"Okay, okay, fuck turn order, I'm going next." He says angrily. No one argues. No one ever argues with Craig, because they know he'd probably kick their ass.

Craig spins the bottle and it lands on me, great, just fucking great. Tweek laughs as if to say 'it's not me, what now, Craig?'. Craig shoots him a death glare but Tweek doesn't stop. I guess he's become immune to Craig's notorious death stare.

Craig turns his attention to me, and I swallow hard. He doesn't break his stare as he crawls over to me, stopping just a few inches away from my face. I can smell his breath, alcohol and cigarettes, I'm not surprised. I give a nervous chuckle before he smashes his mouth on mine, and immediately plunges his tongue into my mouth. I'm shocked for half a second before my whole body turns to jello. Damn, when did Craig get his tongue pierced? I'm kissing him back now, and it feels fucking amazing. I reach up to tangle my fingers in his raven hair, and give a firm pull. He moans and pushes me to the floor, climbing on top of me. I'm so lost right now. I'm almost positive it's been more than ten seconds but we don't stop, neither of us. It feels too good to stop, I don't want to. I feel him put more weight onto me, and feel his erection against my thigh. Holy shit, did I do that? Wow. I don't want this to end, ever, but then I hear Bebe's voice. It's fuzzy at first until she shouts.

"guys? Um.. guys? YOU GUYS!" she yells.

Craig pulls his lips away from mine but is still hovering over me, breathing hard. He stares into my soul and gives me a wink while biting his bottom lip, before climbing completely off and taking his spot back next to Tweek. I'm completely out of breath and then reality hits me. Everyone is looking at me and Craig, gazes darting back and forth. I slowly look next to me and see Kyle staring at me with a confused face, mouth open, eyes wide. I look over to Wendy, she just gives me a look that says 'sorry hunny, you're on your own.' I'm in a complete drunken, lustful daze.

Kyle then stands up and grabs my arm, pulling me up with him. "Well guys, this has been fun but I think it's time we all went home." Before anyone can even say anything, he drags me out of the house and we start walking back to my house. He has hold of my forearm the entire time and is walking faster than me, pulling me all the way home, up the stairs and into my bedroom. Once we are inside he finally lets go of me and pivots around on the heels of his feet. He has a serious look on his face, almost angry but not quite.

He says, "You better start talking!"

End Ch.6


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

I don't say anything for several minutes. What do I even say? I'm way too drunk for this shit.

"What?" is all I can manage while I look down at the floor.

"I want to know what the hell that was with Craig." He says, crossing his arms.

"I'm just drunk Kyle."

"Bullshit! I've seen you way worse than you are right now. So, what was that?"

I don't know what to say. My mind feels like mush and words seem to come out of my mouth before I even realize I'm saying them.

"Why? Are you jealous or somethin'? Do you want me like that? You gay?" Fuck! Stupid, stupid, stupid!

"That's what I'm trying to figure out about you, dude."

I just look down at the ground again. I knew it was coming, I knew I'd have to tell him eventually.

"That shouldn't have happened, it was just the heat of the moment. I was… I was gonna tell you, I swear, I just didn't know how yet."

His face changes to one of surprise. "Wait, hold on, so… you're really…-"

"Gay? Yeah, I… I am." I feel tears coming to my eyes, but quickly regain myself. I'm not going to cry over this again. He doesn't say anything yet. He sits next to me on the bed, cautious at first but then puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Stan, you're my super best friend, I love you no matter what. So what if you like guys instead of girls? I mean, it's not THAT weird. I'm a little sad that you felt you couldn't tell me sooner though."

"I only truly figured it out for myself a few days ago, it took some time for me to actually accept myself." I frown. It's awkwardly silent for the next few minutes before he speaks again.

"So, how did you know? I mean, I thought things were good with Wendy, does she even know that you… ya know, play for the other team now?"

"Yeah, she knows. I guess I figured it out when I couldn't.. um.. get off… to thoughts of Wendy. I had to think of someone else instead."

"Who did you have to think abo-"

"What about you?" I cut him off, not wanting to tell him anymore. "Have you ever thought that, maybe, you weren't straight?"

He quietly contemplates for a minute, "Well, not really, no. I've always just felt how I felt. I've never thought about it, but I know I really like girls."

"Do you mind if I try something?" I don't wait for him to answer before I touch his face, and bring my lips to his. I kiss him and it feels the same as the one from the party. That wasn't good enough for me, so I kiss him harder and shove my tongue in his mouth to play with his. He tastes amazing, just like I imagined he would. He isn't receptive at first, but then slides the tip of his tongue against mine, almost as if he's testing the waters. I moan into his mouth. There are fireworks in my eyes, mouth, heart, soul! I'm unbelievably happy right now and want more. I break away and press kisses along his jaw until I'm at his neck. He inhales sharply and tilts his head back, his breathing getting heavy. He groans just a bit, and it shoots straight to my groin. I feel myself getting more and more excited, until he clears his throat.

"Stan. Stan, stop. I can't."

I break away and look into his eyes, feeling an overwhelming sense of rejection. "Why… Why not?" my voice cracks.

"I'm straight Stan. I'm so sorry, but I can't pretend to be something I'm not. We're friends, and I love you, but… not… not like that. I'm really sorry dude."

"But, but you… you kissed me back, you must have liked it a little. You could be bi you know! You can't tell me you didn't like it!"

"No Stan, I'm sorry. I can't do this with you, it doesn't feel right."

"You, you didn't feel anything, did you? Not a single spark..." I'm unbelievably heart broken. I knew he was straight, yet a stupid sliver of hope still held on, hoping I could change his mind.

"I wish I did Stan, but I didn't. I'm sorry if that hurts. There are plenty of other guys for you to experiment with I'm sure, what about Craig?" that hurts more than he can imagine.

I ignore his statement. "What if I were a girl? What about then?" I ask too desperately. Pleading for answers to questions that won't do any good.

He's quiet, and has sad eyes. "It's me, isn't it? You think of me. That's why you couldn't tell me. Why, Stan, why me?" he finally asks in sad whisper. His voice is pained, almost like he's pleading with me not to be in love with him.

"I don't know Ky, I mean… Look at you. You're beautiful, on both the outside and the inside. You're smart, kind, and well… sexy. You're… you're amazing." I can't think anymore, I feel my insides being torn apart.

"I'm sorry. I… I think I should go. I'll see you at school on Monday, okay?" He stands and starts to gather his belongings. He doesn't wait for me to respond before he closes my door behind him on his way out. Just like that, he's gone.

God, damn it. I fucked up. I fucked up bad! I feel so lost, heartbroken, rejected… It hurts. It hurts really fucking bad. I now know exactly what Wendy felt two years ago. How did she even handle this stabbing pain in her chest?

( **trigger warning: self-harm)**

It's past 1 am now, and I'm almost completely back to being sober. I've been sitting at the foot of my bed staring at the floor for over an hour, unable to bring myself to move. My heart is stinging, it hurts. I didn't realize emotions could actually cause physical pain. I finally force myself up off the floor, and sit at my desk. I start playing with my switch blade. I run my finger along the blade, feeling that it's very sharp. I don't know what caused me to do it, but it happened. I ran the blade along my left wrist, it stings immediately, distracting my brain from the similar stinging in my heart. My entire body shivers, and suddenly I feel a strange euphoria wash over me. Dare I say it feels, good? It feels like relief. Tears run down my face as I feel the blade sliding again, more forceful this time, causing blood to immediately spill and run down my arm. I wince in pain but I don't stop, I keep going, sliding it again and again, slicing through my precious flesh. Then my hand starts moving on its own, carving in twists and turns instead of straight lines. I feel as though I almost blacked out before I snap back to reality. I look down at my hands and they start to shake rapidly. Oh, my god, oh my god, what am I doing? My forearm is completely covered in blood and is getting dangerously close to dripping onto my pants. I panic and run for the bathroom. Once I've closed and locked the door behind me, I run my arm under the faucet. I wipe away the bloody water with toilet paper and gaze wide-eyed at my new wounds. There, in between all the quick swipes, are two distinct letters; KB.

( **End T.W.)**

I hear loud banging that causes me to shock awake. I'm on the bathroom floor, realizing I must have passed out. I groan as I look down at my left forearm and think back to last night. I get up and dig through the medicine cabinet, looking for something, anything, that can heal these stupid wounds. The banging comes again, this time its accompanied by a voice.

"Open the damn door, you stupid fucker!" it's Shelly. She's moved on from 'turd'. 'stupid fucker' is more her style now that she's 20 and thinks she's cool because she goes to community college.

"Hold your fucking horses, you fucking skank!" I yell back as I pour hydrogen peroxide on my cuts, wincing at the burn. I then grab some gauze and wrap it all up in an ace bandage. I leave the bathroom and try to run back to my room as fast as I can, but not before she can see my new bandage. She lets out an annoyed snort, speaking to my back as I walk away.

"Ya know, if you were gonna be that fucking stupid, you probably shouldn't have chosen your arm. It just screams, 'look at me, I'm a sad, pathetic, little emo bitch! Give me your attention! Feel sorry for me!'" then I hear the bathroom door slam behind me.

I go into my room and kick my laundry basket as hard as I can, sending dirty clothes flying everywhere. "FUCK!" Then my bedroom door opens, without so much as a warning knock. Why won't she just go away? I never asked for a sister anyway.

"What did you use?" she looks at me with angry eyes.

I ignore her as if I don't know what she's talking about and then she starts fumbling around my room, going through my things.

"Hey, don't touch my stuff! Get the fuck out of my room!"

She finds my pocket knife on my desk. Dried blood on the blade gives it away immediately. She starts to inspect it. "Well, at least it isn't rusty, so maybe you won't get sick. What the fuck is wrong with you? I knew you were pathetic but Jesus Christ!"

I can't look at her, I'm scowling at the ground. "Don't tell mom and dad." I grit through my teeth.

"I don't ever want to see you do something like this again, you fucking idiot." She leaves my room, slamming the door and taking my pocket knife with her.

She won't tell… She never does.

End Ch. 7


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Monday comes sooner than I want it to, and I know I'll have to face Kyle. I am hoping that no one makes a comment on my long-sleeve shirt that I've never worn before in my life. I'm on my way to my first period class when I am shoved from behind into the janitor's closet. It's fucking dark in here. What if word got out about the kiss at that party? What if now someone is gonna kick my ass for being a queer? I flinch, expecting a punch to the face. I feel something smash against my mouth. It's not a fist, it's another mouth. My eyes shoot open in shock. I don't even have time to comprehend what's going on before I feel a tongue being forcefully shoved down my throat. Then I feel the familiar sensation of a tongue ring swirl with my tongue. I push back.

"Craig?" I ask, squinting as if that will help me see in this pitch-black closet. It doesn't help. He hums lustfully, confirming his identity.

I reach up and pull the chain connected to the light bulb, Illuminating the closet. We both close our eyes in pain as the sudden light stings our retinas, then we adjust and end up in an awkward stare-down. I see an evil smirk cross his face, he reaches up and turns the light back off. He grabs my collar and pulls me up to his mouth again. My brain is on fire, and I can't breathe. Why is this happening? And why am I not stopping it? His hands start to move down my back and grab a forceful handful of my ass. I let out an involuntary whimper into his mouth. I guess he takes this as a good sign, because now he lifts me up and uses his body to pin me against the shelves full of cleaning supplies. I wrap my legs around his hips, to help support myself, and I feel his erection through his jeans. I still can't believe I can bring someone, let alone Craig, to this state of arousal. He starts kissing and sucking on my neck. I moan aloud now as he grinds me roughly into the shelves, he is letting out small grunts as his panting grows louder. He utters breathy, "I fucking want you Marsh."

The bottles of cleaners clank against one another loudly, but I don't care. My brain feels swollen as I'm trying to comprehend what's happening around me. I'm a fucking mess. I've discovered I seem to have a problem filtering my words lately and my reply escapes before I can stop it. "Then fucking take me." I say with almost too much confidence.

He puts me down and I'm almost disappointed until he says, "Not here. Too many witnesses. Let's get out of here."

Before I can comprehend what's happening I'm being dragged through the back entrance of the school and shoved into the passenger seat of Craig's car. I don't even have time to buckle my seatbelt before he shifts gears and takes off, jerking me backwards into my seat. My brain aches with unanswered questions. I need to ask them before I completely fuck myself over.

"What is this Craig? Why? What are we doing?"

"Shh… you're killing my boner man." As much as I want to continue what we were doing in the closet, I need to be strong enough to keep my hormones from getting the best of me.

"You want me?" I ask anyway. "You have a boyfriend."

He snorts out a laugh. "You guys are all so fucking dumb. I thought you guys would know us well enough to know that it was all an act we were putting on to please the dumb fucks in this hick town. Plus, who cares, you have a girlfriend."

I ignore his mention of Wendy. "So wait, you guys aren't a couple?"

"We never were, you fucking idiot. Tweek is as straight as they come, he just doesn't mind humoring everyone."

"And what about you Craig?"

His reply is sarcastic. "Hmm, ya know Marsh, I don't know." Then he rolls his eyes.

"So, you ARE gay!"

"I had to tongue fuck you twice for you to figure that out? Jesus, I thought you were one of the smart ones."

We pull into the parking lot of an abandoned warehouse and he crawls into the back seat. I'm hesitant at first but when I see him smirk and curl his fingers in a 'come here' motion, I jump in the back to join him. He presses me into the seat as he kisses me again. He isn't as forceful as before, taking his time, pressing kisses onto the bruises he made on my neck earlier. This gives my mind time to focus.

"I thought you hated me." I ask, breathing getting heavy again.

"What does that have to do with this? Yeah, I hate you, doesn't mean I can't fuck you. A fuck is a fuck."

Strangely this fuels my fire. I had no idea that Craig was a nymphomaniac. It's kind of a turn on. I want him to use me, get his satisfaction, I want to please him. Then, I feel slightly wrong. It's almost as if I'm cheating on Kyle. When Kyle comes to my mind, the wounds on my arm sting as a painful reminder of what loving Kyle did to me. I need to move on, I don't want to hurt anymore. I'm the one who is forceful for a change and smash my mouth back onto his, straddling him in the back seat. I start rolling my hips and I know he can feel my growing dick against his stomach. I fall back into bliss again as I move my mouth to his neck, biting hard. He groans and starts pawing at my shirt. I mindlessly pull it off, forgetting about my arm. I try not to bring my attention to it, and thankfully he doesn't seem to notice it… or so I thought. He presses firm kisses from my shoulder all the way down to my wrist, kissing over my make-shift bandage, as he holds my arm out with his hand. He bites at the wrap, tugging at it with his teeth. It starts to come unraveled and I feel my heart start to race. For some reason, I can't make my arm move. It's unwilling to pull away from Craig, no matter how hard I want it to. Before the bandage completely comes undone he drops my arm and starts fumbling with the button of my jean. My pants come unbuttoned and he unzips the zipper. I let out a shudder as I feel my swollen member free from its tight denim prison. Craig pulls me out of my boxers and starts to stroke me. It's the first time I've been touched by another man, and I never want it to stop. I arch my back and then I feel him lift my left arm again. The bandage has completely come off and is now somewhere in the floorboard. My heart feels like it's being squeezed very tightly when he looks at my cuts. He sees it, he sees it all. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what, or rather, who, KB is. He doesn't say anything, not a god damn word. He brings my arm up to his mouth and runs his tongue against my torn flesh, from my elbow to my wrist, still pumping me with his left hand. Just what kind of sick fuck is he? Though, I can't deny, his tongue seems almost soothing. Then, he pulls away and whispers, "I'll make him go away." And boy does he ever. He pushes me off him and quickly ducks his head to take me into his mouth. My moan is obnoxiously loud and that earns a grin from him. I had no idea, the difference a tongue ring could make. He runs his tongue flatly over my head and I start to shake. I've never experienced anything like this in my life. I tangle my fingers in his hair and start to fuck his face.

"Mmm… Craig... I'm- I'm gonna come." He bobs faster and takes all my orgasm in his mouth, letting it slide down his throat, he swallows every drop. His head comes back up to look me in the eyes. He has a sweaty forehead and is trying to catch his breath. He wipes his mouth with his arm and lays on top of me, biting at my neck and earlobe again.

"I wanna fuck you, I need to fuck you, like now!" He is breathing unevenly and I can hear the desperation in his voice as he whispers in my ear. I nod, closing my eyes and biting my lip, I want it so bad. I reach down to undo his jeans, and he desperately maneuvers to kick them off as quickly as he can possibly manage, I take mine off too. I look at the tent in his boxers, knowing he's hard from tasting me, it turns me on big time. Something else catches my attention, it's on his thigh. My heart stops beating as I see his thigh looking somewhat like my arm, however the cuts are accompanied by what look like cigarette burns. He notices that I'm staring and pulls my face to his, kissing me again, pleading wordlessly with me to ignore it. I decide that we can both talk about what we've seen later. I will myself to fall back into bliss again as he reaches for an item in his discarded pant pocket. It's a little bottle of lube. My heart starts to race again, this is really happening, oh my god, this is really fucking happening. Then, he puts a lubed finger inside me. It hurts, but it's not unbearable. Once I relax he moves his finger a bit faster, curling it upward, and hits my prostate. All the pain melts to pleasure now and I hear myself pleading with him to add another finger. He complies and begins to scissor me with his fingers, moving faster and faster, stretching me.

I plead, "Fuck me, please, fuck me now!"

He nods, slicks himself up and presses against my entrance. I'm nervous but I've never wanted anything more in my entire life. He slides into me slowly and I feel like my asshole is tearing. He doesn't move until I squeeze his arm, letting him know that he can continue. He takes it nice and easy, keeping us both comfortable.

"Fuck, you feel good" he moans out.

"You can go faster now, if you want to." I don't have to ask him twice. He picks up his pace, fucking me faster and deeper now than before. He hits my prostate again and I completely lose it, moaning his name along with some obscenities.

"I'm getting really close," he breaths.

Suddenly the car floods with red and blue flashing lights, making us both shoot our eyes open in panic. He gets pulls out of me and we both re-dress as quickly as we can, but not before a cop taps on the window with a scowl on his face.

I drop my head, knowing that we're totally fucked.

End Ch 8.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

"Craig? Craig Tucker?" The cop asks.

Craig looks through the foggy window, recognizing the cop. "Shit"

"You know him?" I ask, astonished.

"He's a friend of my fathers." He says before he steps out of the car, shutting the door behind him.

I'm not sure if this means we will be in more, or less trouble. I'm praying for the latter. I see the them talk back and forth, unable to hear clearly through the closed door and window. I hear the cop say 'shame if your father found out about this.' Craig becomes angry, sporting a scowl, the officer on the other hand has a smirk on his face. They speak back and forth again, more quietly and I can't decipher the words being said. I see Craig reach into his back pocket to pull out his wallet. He hands the cop a 100-dollar bill. The cop tips his hat, goes back to his car, turns the lights off, and waits. Craig comes back around and jumps in the driver's seat. He starts the car and speeds off, leaving a cloud of dust behind us. I buckle up in the back seat and stare at his face in the rearview mirror. His brows are pulled together and his jaw is clenched shut. He finally speaks through his teeth.

"Fucking shady ass cops in this fucking town, there goes my fucking tattoo money!" He's pissed.

"I'm so sorry," is all I can make come out of my mouth.

"This isn't your fault, it's mine, we both know that so shut the fuck up." He snaps. I can tell he's hurt and embarrassed.

"Well, at least now we still have a clean record." I say, trying to see the good in this situation.

He snorts, "YOU still have a clean record, I'm lucky I knew the prick, this would have been my second offence."

My throat goes dry. He'd done this before? How many times had he done this before actually getting caught? And with how many people? I suddenly feel extremely guilty about my decision to skip school and have sex in public. Not because of the action necessarily, but because I allowed my hormones to get the best of me and did it with Craig. Fucking Craig, I mean, I've know the guy forever but do I REALLY know him? I mean, I had no idea that he was a nympho, or that he partook in self-harm. Then my heart feels tight, thinking back to his thighs.

"Craig?" I squeak.

"What?" he snaps again.

"How… how long have you been… um" I can't make myself finish the question.

"What? Fucking in my car? That's what you want to know?"

"No, um… how long have-"

"I don't want to talk right now, Marsh. I'm extremely pissed and I don't want to take it out on you. I try the best I can to keep from hurting others when I'm angry."

"Is that why you hurt yourself instead?" I ask before I can stop myself, feeling like a total ass.

His expression changes, his face just goes completely blank. He doesn't speak.

"How long have you been hurting yourself?" I ask, as gently as I can.

"How long have you?!" He shouts back, and his angry face is back.

I sigh in defeat. "I don't, well didn't. That was the first time, and I sort of… lost myself in it. I don't know why I did it..."

He doesn't say anything back as we pull up in front of his house. He gets out and starts walking to the door before he turns around and looks at me through the windshield. "You coming?" He asks.

I get out of the car and slowly follow behind him. He pulls the key out of his pocket and unlocks the door. I start to look around, realizing that I haven't been to his house in years, and I don't think I've ever been past the living room. I notice that we are there alone, his parents must be out, and I begin to wonder why we didn't come back here in the first place. He seems to notice my cautious looks and he speaks.

"My parents left for work about an hour ago." He assures.

I follow him to the kitchen and watch him grab a baby carrot out of the fridge. He hands it to me and I look at him confused.

"Don't eat it, it's not for you. Come on" He starts walking up the stairs and I follow behind curiously.

Once we make it to his room he walks over to a cage in the corner. He pulls out the small, furry creature. It's a guinea pig. He sits on the bed and pats the spot next to him, asking me to sit. He doesn't take his eyes off the tiny animal. I sit next to him and he puts the little guy in my lap. Then he grabs my hand that holds the carrot and moves my hand toward the rodent's mouth. The creature sniffs the carrot before he starts to take small, consecutive nibbles off the carrot. I smile

"His name is Stripe 2." Craig says proudly, and I can tell that this is one of the few things that Craig cares about.

"He's cute." I look up to Craig's face but he hasn't taken his eyes off Stripe 2. It's quiet until Stripe 2 is halfway finished with his carrot. Then with a sigh, Craig finally speaks.

"Three years." He says quietly.

"What?"

"I've been self-mutilating for three years." And my heart starts to hurt for him. I remain quiet and just look him in the eyes, urging him to go on.

"I have manic anger" he continues. "I am supposed to be taking medication for it, but I don't. It makes me feel like a zombie. I know that it isn't me that's feeling happy, it's just the drugs tricking my brain. I don't like being 'pretend' happy. I hurt myself as punishment for losing my temper, it calms me down and keeps me from breaking things." He takes Stripe 2, who has now finished his treat, and puts him back in his cage. Then he sits down next to me again.

I'm hesitant to speak at first but find the courage "Have you tried other ways to release some of that pent-up anger?"

"yeah, I tried fucking around with people." He chuckles. "And it seems to help, a lot actually, until a cop taps on your window, that is."

"How long have you been fucking around with people?" I ask, though I know it's truly not my business.

"Hmm," he thinks for a minute. "I guess it was since this Friday when I tongue fucked you for the first time."

I feel my face heat up with embarrassment. "So, wait, you're just talking about me? Just me? You don't ya know, fuck around with tons of people?" I ask before I can stop myself. Damn, I really need to work on my filter.

He has a look of embarrassment and his cheeks start blush just slightly. And boy is it a sight. I never in my life thought I would see Craig Tucker blush, especially at me.

"Um, no. I'm a pervert, but I'm not a slut. Jesus, is that what you thought?"

I feel ashamed of myself but can't stop talking. "So, until today, you were, um… I mean I took your..."

"Yeah, you were my first fuck. Happy now? I mean it's really not your business but whatever." I can sense his tone getting a bit angry and I feel a little nervous, remembering what he just told me about his anger. He continues. "I wasn't yours though, I know that. I mean, you've probably fucked that girlfriend of yours, right?"

"Ex-girlfriend." Is all I can mutter. He seems surprised for half a second before turning angry again.

"But you fucked her, right?"

"… Yeah, once."

He gives a knowing nod, before he asks cautiously. "Did you like it?"

"No" I answer honestly. His expression softens.

"What about today, did you like that?"

"Yes." Deciding honesty is the best way to go. Then I get brave enough to ask, "Why did you choose to pursue ME, Craig?"

He stares at the ground and scuffs his shoe against the carpet, "Well, I mean… It started with me being mad at Tweek for the whole spin the bottle thing. It sucked seeing him that way with her… I was trying to make him jealous I guess, even though deep down I know he has no feelings for me. That's why I came at you the way I did, I didn't know what was going to happen, I wasn't thinking about that. When you started kissing back, I started to feel… butterflies I guess… God I sound like such a queer."

I chuckle a bit. "Craig, you are a queer." Then my gaze follows his to the floor. "But, I felt it too."

"You're in love with Kyle though, I see the way you look at him."

I feel guilty. "I don't want to be. Loving him hurts, and does no good, he's completely straight. I did this on Friday night." I lift my, still uncovered, arm, looking at the damage I had done. "He demanded to know what that was between you and I, and he kind of forced me to come out. Once he found out that he was the center of my affection, he left. He fucking left." I feel the familiar stinging again.

"He just left? You sure there wasn't more to it than that?" he pries.

"Well, I may or may not have kissed him."

"Shit…"

I brush the entire conversation off. "I want to forget about him. Please, help me forget about him. You're good at that."

He smirks and plants his mouth firmly on mine. Everything around me melts, and for the first time in my life I think, 'Who's Kyle?'

End 

**The end guys. I really hope you enjoyed reading. I know it isn't very long but I thought this was a great stopping point! Please be sure to R &R! And as always, thank you so much for taking the time to read!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I've received requests from reviewers, friends, and even my husband to keep this story going! I have to say, thank you so much for the support and the positive comments. I really appreciate you guys taking the time to review, it means a lot! With that being said, please enjoy the next chapter!**

Chapter 10

It's interesting, when I truly think about it; the fact that less than a month ago I was trying so hard to convince myself I wasn't gay, and now I'm fucking Craig Tucker on the regular. I can't help it really, he's just so… irresistible. I find myself lusting after him constantly. It's been 2 weeks since we fucked in his car for the first time, and now we are sort of 'on call' for one another. If either one of us is in need of some release, we are just a text away. We've gotten smart about it, memorizing each other's home life; when parents are at work, when they are in bed, etc. I haven't skipped school since, though Craig occasionally still tries to get me to ditch with him. I've told him I can't afford to miss class, or I risk failing. He seems to understand despite his 'fuck the world' attitude.

Still, though I know I'm gay, there are some things I've been avoiding emotionally. Like my feelings for Craig for example. Do I love Craig? No. Is he hot as fuck and an amazing lay? Absolutely. Also, Kyle… I haven't spoken to him much, though he is trying. He's still my best friend, at least I hope, and I at least owe him some type of explanation to my behavior, right? It's not just Kyle though, it's everyone. Since Craig and I have become fuck buddies, if that's what you want to call it, I haven't really spoken to anyone; Not Kyle, Not Wendy, Not even Kenny. I know that I'm easy to read and if I allow myself to be around others, it could cause a serious damper on my current lifestyle. I know most people would say that having a fuck buddy would do more bad than good, and I honestly don't want to hear it. I am happy where I'm at… at least I'm pretty sure I am.

My phone buzzes for what feels like the hundredth time. I roll my eyes and look at the screen. It's Kyle, he's calling for the third time today. I hit ignore and lay back on my bed, not wanting to talk to him, not yet. It's Saturday night after all and I want to enjoy some time to myself. Hell, I haven't even changed out of my pajamas from last night; which happen to only be my boxers and a t-shirt but whatever. I want to relax, and let my mind flow. I look down at my arm and still see that my wounds have not faded. Craig told me that unfortunately most of them would probably scar, the KB for certain. We don't really talk about the self-mutilation, there is no need. He told me that he no longer has urges now that he has me, and I haven't felt any sort of need since the first and only time I had done it. I realize how stupid I was. Yes, it made me feel better, but at the same time…the KB? Really? Now I'll forever remember how my first love completely crushed me. I try to make myself feel better, and look down at the shirt I'm wearing. The shirt isn't mine, it's Craig's. It's big on me, and smells like him. It makes me feel good to know that he left it here intentionally, so I could wear it and remember that he's my play thing, as I'm also his. The shirt has an anime girl on it, from some show I can't remember. Craig is really into anime, but I can't make myself get into it. I find it hard to watch a show and read the subtitles at the same time. Still, the fact that this shirt is so obviously his makes me smile a bit. Then I start to wonder again… Do fuck buddies really leave clothes with one another? Isn't that more of a boyfriend thing? I sigh and lay down on the bed, letting my mind wonder until I fall unconscious.

I'm awoken from my slumber when I hear my window slide open. I peak at my alarm clock and it's 1:30 in the morning. If Craig comes by, he usually comes around this time. I smirk to myself and decide I'm going to pretend to be asleep, and roll over so I'm facing the wall. He comes through the window and I'm welcomed with the smell of a freshly smoked cigarette, a smell that my senses now associate with sex and I'm immediately turned on. I smile to myself, knowing I'm about to get some. I hear him creep across the room and then feel his presence leaning over me from the side of the bed.

"Stan, are you awake?"

My heart feels like it's being stabbed, which is not what it does when I'm around Craig. I sit up as quickly as my body allows.

"Kyle?" I click on my lamp "What the fuck are you doing here?"

He looks down at me from where he stands, "You've been ignoring my texts and calls, I was getting worried."

"Well, you don't need to be, I'm fine."

"I just wanted to make sure because we haven't really talked since you and I… well… you know… and I just wanted to make sure that we were cool and that you understand why things couldn't work… and…"

He continues to babble and it's making me more and more angry. I don't want to deal with this right now, not tonight.

"I'm not in the mood to talk right now. You can go now" I point back at the window, and his eyes shoot open.

"Dude… What. The. Fuck?!" he says, and I now notice that he's pointing at my arm that I just stupidly extended toward the window.

"Shit" I mumble as I pull my arm to my chest, preventing him from looking any longer.

"What the fuck did you do?" he exclaims as he sits down and yanks my arm away from me by the wrist.

I try to pull away but he just keeps yanking every time I do, refusing to let me get out of this one.

"It's all over and done with. It happened over 2 weeks ago, it was stupid and I don't plan on doing it again, okay? Can I have my arm back now please?" I try to pull away again, put to no avail.

"Stan, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that you were that bad. I didn't realize that by rejecting you that you would… do that." He looks down and I can tell he's beating himself up.

"I'm over it Kyle" I say, trying the best I can to keep my voice down. I'm getting angry, because I don't want to talk about it. I want to be over it, but I don't know if I truly am.

He holds my wrist in his right hand and starts running his left thumb over the healing cuts. Then I feel something wet drip onto my arm, he's crying. I made him cry. He's hurting because I'm hurting. How could I ever doubt that he loves me?... even if it is only platonic. Then he finally lets go of my arm and moves his hands up to cup my face. He looks me dead in the eyes and starts to bring his face to mine, his lips mere inches away from mine, and I can tell that he's going to try to kiss me. Before I let him make that mistake, I back away.

"What are you doing?" I ask, concerned.

"I want to be there for you Stan. I know that you long for me, and I just want to make you happy, no matter what it takes. I don't want to be the reason you cause yourself harm." He leans in to kiss me again, and I pull back once again.

"Kyle, I can't let you do this."

"But I want to Stan."

"Kyle, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but ignoring who you are is something that I've learned is never a good thing. Kyle, you're straight. I don't want you to sacrifice your own happiness and identity just because you think it's something that will make me happy. We both need to be true to ourselves. I promise I will be fine. I won't do it again, I have no urge. I regret doing it the first time."

He nods, "You're right, it's just… I miss you. I have no idea what's going on with you and then I find out that you are doing things that are so unlike you. I mean look at you, you're wearing an anime shirt for God's sakes. Stan, you hate anime."

"Oh" is all I can say, though I'm happy for an opportunity to change the subject. "Um, it's- it's not mine."

"Well whose is-"

Kyle is interrupted by my window coming open again. Craig comes through the window and starts to speak before he realizes that we aren't alone.

"My parents are such pricks, I'm so pissed! Man, I could use a nice BJ to get my mind off of-" then he stops when he sees Kyle, and his eyes shoot open.

Kyle seems to mirror his shocked expression as he glances quickly between Craig and I, and I see something click in his brain.

"Oh…"

End Ch 10


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Craig climbs into my room and immediately sits next to me on the bed, giving Kyle a look I can't quite read.

"What's going on in here?" Craig asks with an agitated tone.

Kyle gives him the same look back and sounds almost over-protective when he speaks. "I was checking on MY best friend because it feels like he disappeared off the face of the Earth."

Craig puts an arm around me and raises his voice just a bit. "Well, here he is, and he's fine."

Kyle ignores him and speaks directly to me. "Stan, just what the hell is this?"

"This is what's been going on with your 'best friend' while you were too busy being up your own ass" Craig answers for me.

I wish he would shut up, he doesn't know that Kyle has called and texted me every day. I don't tell him because I don't know what he would think. I think he becomes a little possessive when it comes to Kyle. Even though Craig isn't my boyfriend, he still doesn't want Kyle in my life. He thinks that Kyle being around will hurt me, which honestly, it kind of does. I don't want it to hurt though, he's been my best friend my entire life and I don't want to lose that. This whole situation is way too awkward for me.

"Can you both just calm down? Jesus." I say. I open my window and point to the roof outside. "Both of you go outside and cool down, seriously."

We all crawl back out the window and sit on the roof. Kyle is on my right side, Craig is on my left. After we are all three situated awkwardly, no one says anything. They both pull out a pack of smokes and light up, taking angry puffs in silence. Finally, Kyle is the first one to speak.

"So, what is this? You guys hate each other."

I was about to speak when Craig answers first. "Just shows how much you really pay attention, doesn't it?" He has his smart-ass tone again. I've grown to get used to it but Kyle doesn't seem to like his attitude.

Kyle ignores him. "Stan, I'm your best friend. I feel like I have a right to know what's going on with you."

"Well… um…" I can't think of what to say… I immediately regret not changing clothes before going outside, I'm freezing. I shiver a bit before I try to continue.

Craig glances at me and with a sigh he slides his jacket off and lays it over my shoulders. "You're gonna get sick you moron. What kind of idiot goes outside during winter, in South Park, in boxers and a T?" I can't help but smile a little.

Craig's attention is now back to Kyle. "What do you think is going on Broflovski?"

"So… what, are you guys are like, fucking?" when he says it aloud I can't help but feel my face redden just a bit. "You can't be serious."

I feel angered by his last remark. "You're the one that suggested I fuck around with Craig in the first place!"

Craig is taken back. "Wait, what?"

We ignore him. Kyle speaks again, his tone getting louder. "I was fucking joking, Jesus Christ!"

"Why does it matter to you what I do with other people anyway?"

"Because Stan, I don't want you to get hurt! Craig has a fucking boyfriend!"

Craig speaks up before I can. "God, why does everyone think the Tweek thing was real!?"

Kyle looks at him and scoffs. "Don't give me that bull Craig, I see the way you look at him. You can't tell me there isn't anything going on!".

"Tweek is straight you fucking moron, just because I love him doesn't mean that anything is going on!" he yells.

I'm taken back a bit before I cautiously ask Craig, "I thought you said you were over him."

"I am, I don't know what Kyle thinks he knows, but it isn't true!" He's getting flustered, and I worry just a bit.

"Yeah, okay, I don't know shit." Kyle replies with heavy sarcasm.

"You are such a fucking asshole!" Craig snaps.

"Excuse me!?"

Before I know what's going on, Craig pulls my left arm towards Kyle. "You did this shit to him! You were too caught up in your own stupid life that you couldn't see him hurting right in front of you. I've been here to make him feel better. That's a lot better than you!"

I pull my arm back under the jacket and mutter, "Craig please stop."

"Why should I? He wanted to know what's going on with you, so I'm telling him!" He looks at Kyle again. "I do what you can't. We fuck, almost every day. It's fucking great! You should hear him scream, begging me to ram his ass harder and harde-"

Kyle cuts him off "Shut up! You don't know what's good for him. You're just using him! You don't even know him!"

"Bull shit! I know him plenty, and I know a part of him that you never will!"

"You know him plenty huh? What's his favorite color?"

Craig stops for a second, I know he doesn't know the answer. I don't expect him to, we don't talk about that kind of shit. I don't know his favorite color either.

Kyle taunts, "Yeah, that's what I fucking thought. You are a piece of shit who just wants to fuck anything that breathes!"

That does it for Craig. He loses it and launches over me to Kyle, tackling him and his fists start swinging. It's a fair fight, Kyle is punching him back and they almost roll completely off the roof. I jump on Craig and use all my might to pull him off Kyle. I'm yelling now, "Both of you stop this shit! Seriously, you're gonna get yourselves fucking killed!"

When I pull them apart I get a good look at them both. Craig has a bloody nose, and Kyle looks like Craig got a good shot to his eye.

I speak again, trying to regain my composure. "I'm not going to sit by and watch you guys beat the shit out of each other. If you guys are going to act like this, both of you can just go home!"

Craig scowls and says "Fine" before he jumps from the roof, brushing himself off when he gets back on his feet. He looks up at me and Kyle and lifts his middle finger, before hoping in his car and taking off as fast as he can.

I sigh. "Kyle, why did you do that?"

"You're my best friend, and can't sit by and watch you get hurt."

"I can take care of myself Kyle. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm a girl. It doesn't make me any different then who I was before. I can still handle my own, let me fight my own battles! See, this is why I don't talk to you!" I'm angry now. I go back inside and put on a pair of jeans and my tennis shoes, then grab my backpack.

"Where are you going?"

"Kyle, I can't handle any more of this shit tonight, go home!" I zip up Craig's jacket he left behind and come back out before jumping off the roof.

"You aren't seriously going after him, are you?" Kyle jumps down to join me on the ground

"Go home Kyle!"

"Fine, but I'm done trying to protect you! When he breaks your heart, don't expect my shoulder to cry on!" With that he starts walking angrily towards his house.

I ignore him and book it to Craig's as fast as my legs will carry me.

Once I get to Craig's, I see his car in the driveway and know he came back here. I climb up the tree that leads to his window before I open it and let myself inside. The first thing I notice is that Craig is sitting at the foot of his bed, his pants are around his ankles, and he's holding a box cutter. My heart drops and I feel my face burn. I walk over to him cautiously. I see his thighs are bleeding. He knows I'm here but doesn't look up at me. I sigh and kneel in front of him, trying my best to get him to look me in the eyes but he doesn't.

"What are you doing Craig?"

No response.

"You don't have to do this, I know you're angry but this isn't going to help. I promise, everything is going to be fine. Don't worry about Kyle, I handled it."

Still no response.

I pull my first-aid kit out of my back pack and take out a wet wipe, wiping his thighs of the fresh blood. Then I take my small bottle of hydrogen peroxide and drip it along his new wounds. He winces in pain, but his face seems calmer than before. I wipe it clean, put some gauze over it and secure it with medical tape. I place my hands on his knees and finally catch his eyes. We stare at one another for what feels like forever.

"I'm so sorry, I know that you came over to relieve your anger but you ended up leaving more upset than when you got there. Please, let me help you feel better." I pull his flaccid dick out of his boxers and start to stroke it gently. He closes his eyes for a moment before he pulls away, tucking himself back into his underwear.

"Stan" He finally says. I feel my heart beat roughly against my chest. He's never called me by my first name before. I like it.

"Yeah?"

"What's your favorite color?"

End Ch 11 

**Thanks for all the support. Please continue to review, it lets me know that people are actually reading. Thanks so much!**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

That night at Craig's is worth a bookmark in the book of life. I want to re-live it over and over again. We spent hours just talking, actually getting to know each other! It was interesting to say the least. What was really the best part, I think, was that I was holding him. We've never cuddled before, and I was actually the big spoon. It felt really nice. I had been able to inhale the scent of him constantly, with my nose buried in the crook of his neck, it was turning me on big time. I couldn't let my mind wonder anymore, I had to do something about it.

"Hey Craig?"

"Yeah Stan?"

"I'm… I'm kinda horny."

"Oh really? I couldn't tell. Your dick has only been poking me in the back for the last half hour." He says sarcastically.

He rolls over and is now facing me. I see the bulge in his boxers and realize that me being hard against him must have turned him on too. I reach down, pull him out through the slit in his boxers, and start stroking him gently. He closes his eyes and relaxes. I quicken my pace just a bit and see him bite his lip. I want that lip, so I take it. I close the gap in between our faces, as small as it already was, and kiss him with great passion. When he returns my advance with equal force I push him onto his back and get on top of him. The kiss turns sloppy as we are both now focused on our erections pressed against one another, mine still confined in my boxers and his still pulled out. I start grinding harder against him and he whimpers just a bit. Seeing him be submissive is so much hotter than I had imagined it, many times. He fumbles with my boxers just a bit, and we break apart to tear both pairs off. I start grinding again as he reaches up to take his shirt off of me, before taking his own off himself. So here we are, completely naked, building great friction between our bodies. We've never been completely naked before. When we hook up, it's always quick and feverish. This felt different somehow. Though this encounter is very heated, it seems to have a tad more patience, and feels softer almost. I want him, and I want him bad. I want to fuck him. He always fucks me, which is nice but I've always wondered what it would be like to top. I get the courage and ask him.

"Craig, I was wonderi-" I start before he cuts me off, eyes still closed deep in passion.

"Fuck Me" he moans, before he opens his eyes and looks at me. "I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

I chuckle and he looks confused. "I… I was going to ask if I could top tonight, just to, ya know, see what it's like."

He laughs a little and says, "Great minds think alike I guess." Then starts grinding up against me again.

He reaches into his side table drawer and pulls out the all too familiar bottle of lube, it's nearly empty now. I can't help but grin thinking how it was almost full 2 weeks ago. He looks at me lustfully and grabs my hand, smearing a generous amount of lube on my index, middle, and ring finger. He nods and I move my hand down to his entrance, teasing it just a bit before slipping my index finger inside him. He inhales sharply and then exhales slowly and steadily. He opens his eyes, and they look glazed over. He speaks breathily.

"You can move it now."

I start moving my finger just a bit, pushing in and out, then curling it upward. I see the look on his face and I realize that I've found his spot.

"Oh god," he shudders, "Right there"

"You're gorgeous" I say, watching him squirm below me.

"Shut up!" he hums, eyes still closed, mouth hanging slightly open.

I add my middle finger and he looks pained for a minute before I hit his prostate again. He starts rolling his hips onto my fingers, and I know he's ready more. I scissor him for a bit before adding the third and final finger. He looks up at me with pure desire burning in his eyes.

"Fuck me… please…" His words are choppy and breathy. I happily answer his plea.

I remove my fingers, and slick myself up before placing my head at his puckering hole.

"Ready?"

He just bites his lip and nods.

I push into him slowly, feeling his warmth around me. The heat radiates through my whole body and I watch him clench his eyes shut below me while I continue my first, painfully slow, thrust. Once I'm all the way in, I don't move. I wait for him to tell me it's okay. He finally opens his eyes slowly, and I see tears of pain roll down the sides of his face. He smiles up at me and I feel something inside me that I know the feeling of all too well… I love him.

"You alright?" I ask him after a minute.

"Yeah, you can move now."

I bring my bent knees underneath him, elevating him slightly, pull back halfway and thrust into him again, just a bit faster this time. This repeats, each time getting slightly quicker and deeper. His eyes shoot open and roll into the back of his head, he arches his back and I know I've found our perfect position for maximum pleasure. I continue, my momentum picking up, and I feel myself getting close already. I want this to keep going but I don't know how long I'll be able to hold on.

"Craig, nng… I'm getting close."

"Mmmm… I've been close"

His breathing increases as he takes his dick between us and starts pumping violently. It only takes a few seconds before he forcefully arches his back and comes all over his stomach. He cries out, replacing his usual grunts that accompany his orgasms. Seeing his O face, and hearing his noises, sends me over the edge. I pull out, jerk myself only two or three times before I release on his stomach, my seed mixing with his. We've discovered that the pull-out method makes for much easier clean up. I roll off him and lay on my side as I watch him take tissues and clean himself off. He throws the dirty tissues to the floor to join the rest of the mess in his room, before rolling over and notices I'm staring.

"What?" he asks with a smile.

"That felt… different."

"Well no shit dumbass, it's because you topped, of course it's going to feel different." His always present sarcasm is back.

"That's not what I mean"

He looks at me with slight amusement. "Okay, then what do you mean?"

"I don't know how to say this." I pinch the bridge of my nose.

"Just say it, stupid" He's still smiling

"It felt like we weren't just fucking, there was more to it. I.. I don't know… like maybe we were…"

"Making love?" he fills in my blank.

"… yeah…"

He chuckles just a bit "Don't make it gayer than it already is, Marsh" as he playfully punches my shoulder.

I brush it off and watch him roll back onto his back, stare at the ceiling, his smile is fading.

"What? What is it?" I ask

"I was just thinking."

"About?"

"Us" he mumbles under his breath.

"What about us?" I ask.

"Nothing, it's dumb."

"Talk to me."

He sighs and rolls over to face me "What am I to you? I mean, like… do you fuck other people?"

I sigh and answer him honestly "No."

"Do you want to fuck other people?" I'm taken back just a bit.

"No… do… do you?" I ask carefully, preparing myself for heart break.

"… no" he answers quietly.

"Craig, I have to ask you something before my head explodes."

He looks at me with a curious look.

"Do you love Tweek?" I ask, my heart starts racing.

"I don't want to, it hurts loving someone who can never love you how you want them to. I know you know that feeling all too well." He rubs his thumb over the scaring on my arm.

This is all so strange, but we've never really talked about anything like this before.

"I've convinced myself that I'm over Tweek. I feel… happy?... when you're around, I don't think about Tweek that much. I want you to be over Kyle, but I know that's not fair of me to ask when I have unresolved feelings of my own."

I can't stop the words from slipping out of my mouth, "I think I love you Craig."

His eyes open wider now and he looks at me with painful eyes. "No, you don't."

"Yes, I do. Can't you feel it? The chemistry between us? It's not just lust dude… come on."

He doesn't say anything.

"Do you think we could give this a try?" I ask with caution. I'm always on guard for heartbreak. It's something I've become better at.

"Give what a try?"

"I want you to be my boyfriend Craig." meaning every word I say.

"I… I don't know…" then he chuckles. "I'd have to 'break up' with Tweek."

I know he's joking but it still stings a bit. "Don't you want to?"

He sighs and then brings his face to mine, giving me a small peck on the lips. "Yeah… Yeah, okay. Let's do it."

I feel heat radiate through my entire body again, happiness flowing through my veins. He grabs my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine. This is the first time we've held hands, I feel giddy and smile like a goofball. I let out a blissful sigh and stare at his beautiful face smiling back at mine.

"This is my boyfriend, Stan Marsh. He loves animals… and alcohol. His favorite color is blue, and he's a hell of a power top!"

We both burst into a fit of laughter, and sigh. Exhaustion hits us hard and we fall asleep, fingers still interlocked.

End Ch 12.

 **I know, I know, it's a bit mushy but here it is. Thanks for taking the time to read and review. Hoping to write more soon. TTYL!**


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

I have a boyfriend… I have a BOYfriend! I want to tell the world, but I can't.

Only a few people know I'm gay, I don't think I'm ready to come out to the rest of the world yet. The hardest part is having to tell this to Craig. Now that he and I are officially 'together' he has to understand the rules I've been living by.

Wendy and I are still a 'couple' in the eyes of the high school. We keep each other's secret through our façade. She and I love each other, platonically of course. We look out for each other, and try to keep one another out of trouble. She's the first I tell about Craig.

"And then, I asked him to be my boyfriend." I say to her.

"Craig is your boyfriend? Oh Stan, no no no." She says shaking her head frantically.

I'm taken back a bit. "What's wrong with Craig?"

"He's a manipulator Stan, he uses people. He gains their trust and then uses them until he gets bored."

"That's not true. He's not using me! I love him, and he loves me!"

"He told you that he loved you?" She asks, skeptically.

"Well… Not exactly. I told him I love him… and…"

"And what? What did he say?" she puts her hand on my back as she joins me on my bed.

Reality hits me. "he… he said, 'no you don't'. I thought maybe he was just unsure of his own feelings!"

"Stan, it's obvious that he's just using you for sex. He uses people for sex, it's what he does. How do you not know this?"

"That's not true! I was his first! He told me so!" I'm becoming incredibly defensive at this point.

She shakes her head. "He told you that? Hun, he lied. You weren't his first. You didn't hear about the incident with Jason last year, did you?"

I look up at her with pain in my eyes… "What… what are you talking about?"

"How do you not know about this? It was all anyone talked about for weeks! They were arrested for hooking up in Craig's car!"

I had heard about it, but after Craig told me I was his first, I believed him. He tells me people lie about him, and I believe him over them. But why would so many people go out of their way to tell lies, all being about the same thing. I figure there must be some truth in these 'lies'.

My mind goes back to when Craig and I were in his car on the way to his house, after we were caught.

' _You still have a clean record, this would have been my second offence!'_

I remember him saying that and now my brain hurts. I feel upset, frustrated, hurt…

"Oh, my god! I'm so stupid! I… I thought he liked me!" I start to tear up.

Wendy scoots closer to me and pulls me into a hug. "I'm sure he does, but… he likes… a lot of people."

"I don't want to be just another notch in his belt! How could I be so stupid?" I put my face into my hands.

"You're thinking with your dick? Did he seem happy when he asked you to be his boyfriend?" she pries.

"Well… actually, no. He seemed really reluctant, like he wasn't sure he wanted to commit to just… one.. pers- God dammit! Son of a bitch! He's fucking using me!"

I stand up and head towards the door, Wendy follows.

"Where are you going?" She asks.

"I'm going to find out more about who Craig really is, and why he's doing this to me!" With that, I slam the door behind me, leaving Wendy behind on my front porch.

My quick walk turns into a jog, then turns to a full sprint. I'm running as fast as I can, not entirely sure where I'm going until I bring myself to a halt in front of a green house. I run up the carless driveway and pound on the front door. I feel my face heat up and the tears start flowing before I can stop them. I try my best to wipe them off my face before a jittery blonde answers the door.

"Stan? What- What're you doing here?" he asks, shaking as usual.

"Does Craig sleep around?" is what I blurt out instead of a simple hello.

"What?! W-why are you asking me? L-listen dude, Craig and I aren't boyfriends. I don't w-want to hear any more about his s-sex life than I already do."

"So.. so, he told you about us then?"

"What? You-you're fucking Craig too, Jesus Christ!" He rolls his eyes.

My heart breaks in my chest, unable to believe what I just heard. This is Craig's best friend, there is no way he would lie about Craig. I can't breathe, and I fall forward and grab onto Tweek's shirt, sobbing uncontrollable into his chest.

"W-What the hell?" Tweek looks down at me in disbelief.

I look up at him with bloodshot eyes. "I… I… thou-thought I wa-was… the only one." I manage between sobs.

"Shit" Tweek puts his hand on my back and leads me into his house. "c'mon" he says, and I follow him up to his room.

Once we are inside he gestures for me to sit down beside him on his window sill. He opens the window and closes his eyes, relaxing as a cool breeze blows through his tangled hair.

"Stan, I'm s-sorry but I have to be f-frank with you. Y-you aren't the o-only one. Y-you aren't the f-first and you w-won't be the last. I-I love C-Craig, he's my best friend, but I don't agree with the way he behaves sometimes."

I don't say anything, I just stare out the window, letting the cold breeze numb me. Tweek looks at me with sympathy, not really knowing what to say. I zone out for a minute before I realize Tweek nudges me, extending a joint towards me. Jesus, does everyone do shit I don't know about in this fucking town?

I take it hesitantly and inhale slowly. The burn immediately reminds me of that day at Kenny's and I realize now how much my life has escalated in the past few weeks. I went from being the straight jock football star, to the guy who lusts after my best friend, only to have my heart ripped out. So, I turned to anyone who would give me attention, finding Craig who, apparently, is more than willing to provide said 'attention'. Stupid me, wearing my heart on my sleeve, fell in love and am now having my heart ripped out AGAIN! What the fuck is wrong with me? I exhale finally, realizing how light headed I had become from holding my breath. Tweek, joining me in my mindless staring, jumps, slightly startled when I finally speak.

"He told me I was his first. I had heard what other people said, but he told me it wasn't true. I- I thought maybe I was special. He told me that he felt 'butterflies' when he kissed me at Wendy's"

Tweek looks over at me, handing the joint back after taking three or so hits. "Craig is my b-best friend, I would never purposely say th-things about him that I knew weren't true, but…. I have n-noticed that Craig tends to lie to get what he wants. I don't think he ever m-means to hurt anyone, he just thinks about the here and now. He d-doesn't think about how his actions will affect other people."

After my second hit, I hand the joint back to Tweek who puts it out in his ash-try on his night table.

"I told him that I love him, asked him to be my boyfriend. I should have known something was up when he told me 'no you don't' and when he was unsure about being with me at first. He has a lot going on, I know… I'm sure you know about his manic anger."

Tweek nods, "He tries to find different coping me-mechanisms to avoid taking his medication. I-I've tried so many times to convince him to j-just take the damn m-meds, but those c-conversations usually lead to a f-fight." Then he looks at me quizzically "H-how do you know about his c-condition?"

"He told me. We got caught um… fooling around in his car. He told me that he was angry and didn't want to take the anger out on me. He took me back to his house and he told me about it there. Why?"

"Well, C-Craig doesn't tell m-many people. Maybe you do m-mean more to h-him than others in the p-past have. I'm n-not saying that you g-guys will live h-happily ever after, b-but you might be more than just a h-hump and dump." Then he chuckles. "Maybe y-you're good enough in the b-bedroom that he wants to k-keep you around." He playfully nudges me, and I chuckle back.

I feel the drugs hit me, the familiar feeling of haze overcomes me. Time moving strangely once again, but this high is different. This time, nothing is hilarious, my judgment isn't off a much, but my brain seems to be racing more than last time. I'm hurt and confused but being here with Tweek almost gives me a sense of relief. I know that he and Craig know each other better than I ever will, just like Kyle and I do, or used to I guess I should say. My mind becomes swarmed with guilt at the way I treated Kyle on the last night we spoke. He was trying to protect me, I know he was. I was just in such denial and was so lost in my own head that I didn't want to hear any of it. Maybe I should have heard him out.

I sigh, "Tweek, you know Craig loves you, don't you?"

He looks down and nods, "Yeah, I k-know he does. I f-feel like his p-promiscuous behavior is s-slightly my f-fault."

I give him a look of concern and confusion. "What do you mean?"

"H-he told me that he didn't want to p-pretend anymore, t-that he really w-wanted to be my boyfriend. I h-had never b-been confessed to b-before, I d-didn't know how to l-let him down e-easy. I told him I d-didn't like guys l-like that, w-which is t-true. I'm s-straight. H-he said he u-understood, but t-then he started m-messing around with o-other people and told me a-all the dirty d-details. I think he was trying to make me j-jealous."

I nod, then stand. "I need to go, I think I need to have a heart to heart with Craig. I want to figure out what's going on. I'll prepare myself for the truth, hopefully he will give it to me. I need to learn to not wear my heart on my sleeve. Thanks for being a shoulder to cry on."

"S-sure, but before you go, I h-have to ask; W-why didn't you go to K-Kyle?"

"Well, firstly, I know you know Craig better than anyone. Secondly, Kyle and I are not really on speaking terms at the moment."

"B-because of C-Craig?" he asks, though he already seems to know the answer.

"Yeah, I know now that he was just trying to protect me, but I didn't see it that way at the time."

"L-love makes you b-blind. J-just promise me t-that you and K-kyle will make up. You guys are the d-definition of b-best friends." He smiles.

I sigh "I'll try, Tweek. That is something I can promise."

I give him a one-armed hug and take my leave. Not sure where I should go now. I'm hurt and confused. I want answers, but I know I need to prepare myself for them. I sigh again and start strolling slowly down the sidewalk.

End Ch. 13

 **A/N: Hey guys, sorry the update took so long. I injured my hand and so typing is annoying and slow. Anyways, here it is. Let me know what you think. TTYL!**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

I climb up the tree that I've become so accustomed to. I tap on the window, no response. I turn to look behind me and realize that Craig's car is not in the driveway. I sigh in defeat, figuring I should probably climb down and make the painfully slow walk home.

Maybe it was because I was hurting, maybe it was because I was high. Whatever it was, it made me push the window upwards. To my surprise, it's unlocked. I know I shouldn't do this but I couldn't help it. I open the window and climb into the abandoned bedroom. Once I'm inside, I stand in the middle of the room awkwardly. I know I shouldn't be here without permission, especially not by myself, but I need answers. If I pry Craig for answers, how do I know he wouldn't just lie to me again? I walk over to his un-made bed and sit, leaning over and taking a deep inhale of him from his pillow. My heart stings when I smell the scent of him, I don't want it to be true. I want it all to be lies! When I stand back up, I feel something under the heel of my right foot. I look down, and it's a journal tucked lazily under the bed. I pick it up slowly and run my fingers over the cover which is clearly marked 'Private'. I feel my heart beat pick up as I slowly exhale and bring myself to open it up to a random page. I lick my lips nervously as I start to read an entry marked about 4 months ago.

 _Say what you will about Kyle Broflovski, but that kid has the nicest ass there is. I noticed it today in gym. Man, that guy can climb a rope. I wish he'd wrap his legs around me like that, damn. I'll be sure to add him to my 'hit it' list._

My heart starts racing. So, he's infatuated with Kyle, is he? I guess it doesn't take a lot to realize how nice of an ass Kyle has, any guy, gay or not, would tell you that. I bite my lip and flip a couple pages backwards. Now I'm at an entry marked about 8 months ago.

 _I can't believe we were arrested, it was fucking worth it though, best head I've ever gotten. Just sucks that Jason's parents made him transfer to a Catholic school after hearing their son was fuckin around with another guy. Guess I can't play with him anymore. Oh well, another check off my 'hit it' list._

There it is, mentioned again… this 'hit it' list. What exactly is this? I don't want to read anymore. The 'lies' about Jason were just confirmed. Still, this 'hit it' list is really haunting my intoxicated mind. I flip to the front of the book, finding another entry. This one just saying that his mother bought him this journal to help him 'cope' with his manic anger. I flip through all the pages quickly, seeing countless entries. I skim through them, ignoring names and just zoning in on key words that burn my soul such as, 'good fuck' and 'nice ass' or 'huge dick'. It hurts a lot. I drop the journal to the ground and hug my knees to my chest. I look down at it again and notice a stray piece of notebook paper sticking out sideways like it didn't originally belong in the journal. I gulp and reach for it, pulling it out of the journal slowly. I unfold it and bingo. I found it, this list he keeps writing about. I look down and see that he has a long list of names. Names of people I'm assuming he wants to fuck, along with little notes about each person on the back. Some names have check marks next to them, signaling that he has 'hit it'. I gulp and take in the contents of the paper in my hands.

 _Hit It List:_

 _Tweek_

 _Thomas; Check_

 _Jason; Check_

 _Damien_

 _Clyde; Check_

 _Stan; Check_

 _Token_

 _Kenny; Check_

 _Butters_

 _Kyle_

My heart is pained and I can't breathe. He's fucked this many people? And, of course Tweek is at the top of the list. I look the list over again, wait… Kenny? Kenny has a check mark? I feel insane jealousy and my face starts to burn. I flip the page over to find the note about Kenny.

 _Kenny M. -Great kisser, Good fuck, had to get him REALLY drunk. Worth it, dick is huge._

I feel the tears and I look down and find my name. I find slight happiness in the fact that I'm the last one, hoping that means he hasn't fucked anyone else since me. Once I read my note however, that happiness diminishes.

 _Stan M. - A real trooper at taking it up the ass, nice dick, kind of needy though, kissing needs work._

I wipe my tears with my jacket sleeve and lean down to pick up the journal again, tucking the list back into the back cover. I flip to the last entry in the book and see my name in the first line.

 _I lied again. I told Stan that he was my first. I didn't mean to lie, it's just easier to say you're pure rather than you've been whoring around. Plus, he mentioned that he thought I was sleeping around and that made me mad. I wish people would stop talking about me, even if it is the truth. What business is it of theirs if I'm a little loose. He came to my house after my blow up on Kyle, He fucked me this time. It was okay, but I like him better as a bottom. He asked me to be his boyfriend which completely took me off guard. I stupidly said yes, I don't know-_

"What are you doing?" I hear from the bedroom door.

My stomach drops and so does the journal. Once it hits the ground I kick it under the bed with my heel. My eyes look up to meet his, both pairs are wide open with shock. I gulp and he comes toward me, picking me up off the bed by the collar of my shirt.

"You read my fucking journal?" he shouts, furiously.

"You fucking lied to me! I thought you liked me, I can't believe you would do this to me! You have a 'hit it' list? God, I thought you wanted to be with me, but maybe you just said yes because you wanted to 'play with me' a bit longer, or to help me with my kissing since it 'needs work'" I shove him backwards, causing him to let go of my shirt.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. You're fun to play with. I'm sorry you fell into this Stan, but you really should have known better. You know what people say about me, maybe you should have listened." He snaps, obviously trying to hurt my feelings.

"I wanted to have faith in you Craig, I fucking liked you. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, but now I see why no one else does!" I shove him again. "You have fucking issues man, you can't just go around and fuck other people because your best friend doesn't love you like you want him to!"

Then he chuckles. "And what exactly do you think you did Stan? Doesn't what you just said sound familiar to your own fucking situation, you fucking asshole!?"

I stop for a second, my face drops to the ground and I scowl at the carpet.

"Yeah, exactly." he spits out.

"Why? Why did you lead me on?" I sigh, trying to calm down to get the answers I came for in the first place.

He sucks his teeth, then sighs. "You really wanna know?"

"Yes!" I look at him again and put my hands on my hips.

"You're different. Before you get your hopes up, you're not different like I want to settle down and adopt little ankle biters, okay? But, you're different. You seem to understand my situation to some degree. You were hurting like I was, I thought it was better to find comfort in someone who wouldn't judge me, because ya know, I thought you wouldn't. Apparently, I was wrong. You should go!" He points to the still open window.

"I'm not leaving Craig. I want to know why you lied to me! Why didn't you just tell me that you've fucked other people? I probably still would have messed around with you, I just wouldn't have let myself fall for you as hard as I did!" I look in his eyes, desperate.

He moves beside me and sits down on his bed, then pats the spot beside him. I'm skeptical but against better judgement I sit down beside him. He sighs and puts his hand on my thigh, all his anger seeming to subside.

"Originally, you were just another name on my 'hit it' list but… I don't hate you dude, I just wanted you to feel better about yourself. Once I saw your arm I… I don't know. I know I cut myself, but that doesn't mean I want others to do it. I thought I could help distract you and make you not want to do it again. I knew that once I had lied I couldn't go back on what I said. I wanted to avoid what's going on right now. But now that it's out in the open, I'm glad because now you know. I just really don't want to be tied down, not if it's not with Tweek." He sighs again, "I'm… I'm sorry, but please… Please don't hurt yourself again. I care about you dude, when we started fucking around on the regular, I started to actually consider you as sort of a friend. I thought we were just fine the way we were, but then you brought up being boyfriends and I kind of panicked and said yes without really taking time to think about it."

I nod and stand, breaking eye contact and go towards the window. He grabs my hand as I'm half way outside.

"Just think for a minute okay? I promise, fucking other people is a much better coping mechanism than cutting yourself, and it feels a hell of a lot better." He winks, knowing that what he and I have is finished.

All I can do is nod. I don't say anything else. I climb down and start to head home.

Once I make it to my house, I go up to my bedroom and sit down at my desk. I pull my Jack Daniels out of the bottom drawer and drink the last fourth of the bottle all at once. Once the bottle is empty, I sit there patiently, waiting for the liquor to hit me. It only takes about five minutes and I'm hit hard. My head starts to spin and my thoughts go nuts. I take in all the words of everyone who has given my any sort of advice lately. I hear many voices repeating said advice. Wendy, Kyle, Kenny, Tweek and finally Craig. My whole body feels numb as I open my top drawer and pull out my other, non-confiscated, pocket knife. I flip it open and stare at the blade for a good minute, then I hear Craig in my head.

 _I promise, fucking other people is a much better coping mechanism than cutting yourself, and it feels a hell of a lot better._

I close the knife and shove it back in the drawer, then pull out a piece of paper and a blue pen. The writing is very sloppy due to my very drunken and still slightly stoned mind.

 _Stan's Hit It List:_

 _Kyle_

 _Wendy; Check_

 _Craig; Check_

End Ch.14

 **As always, reviews are welcomed! I would love some feedback! Please and Thank you!**


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

My name is Stan Marsh, I'm the star quarterback for South Park High, and I'm gay. There it is. I'm no different today then I was yesterday. Okay, well that part's a lie. I'm very different. I'm realizing now how much easier it was being straight than being gay. Being gay is hard (no pun intended). It's a lot easier to be with who society wants you to be with, but how can you do that when holding a woman in your arms no longer feels right? Nothing feels right anymore. My heart and soul hurt.

I'm trying as best I can not to be upset at Craig; He didn't mean to break my heart. Being gay is no different than being straight. You still meet people who play with your feelings. It can be more painful, actually. You see people every day that puzzle you. Every man I find myself attracted to, I must remind myself, 'Yeah, he's cute but he's most likely straight'. Like Kyle for example; Kyle is absolutely gorgeous on the inside as well as on the outside, however, he doesn't see me that way and probably never will. That hurts. I still don't know why I let myself continue to have these feelings. I know he doesn't feel that way, and yet I can't take my eyes off him. It's like my eyes have a magnetic pull that require me to constantly stare. It's humiliating, especially when he catches me staring and I have to forcefully tear my gaze away. The feelings for Kyle had gone to the back of my mind for a short while when I was emotionally attached to Craig. That was a big mistake. Well… Can I really call it a mistake when it felt so good and I ended up learning a lesson? Though I'm not entirely sure yet what exactly that lesson was.

"Stan"

A soft voice and poke to the shoulder break me way from my mindless thinking and I realize where I am, school. I snap out of it with a slight shake of the head and look to my left to see Wendy staring at me with a worried expression.

"Huh?"

"I asked you if you were going to Token's party tonight?"

"Oh, um… I don't know." I look back towards the front to make it seem like I was paying attention the entire time.

She pokes me again. "I think it would be good for you to get out of the house. You can't just lay back and let life pass you by just because you got your feelings hurt."

I scowl a bit as I take in her words, then turn my gaze back to her again. "I'm fine."

"You aren't fine Stan, but that's okay. You got hurt by Craig, just like Thomas did, just like Jason-"

I cut her off "I didn't 'get hurt' and I'm not like them okay? It's different."

"How?" she challenges.

After I made my very own 'Hit It' list, I had called Wendy. Long story short, I told her she was right and that it was stupid of me to leave my feelings on my sleeve. Wendy knows I can be sensitive when it comes to love. She knows that possibly better than anyone. I didn't tell her about my list that lay in front of me that night, but I had full intentions of adding and checking off names. I still intend on doing so now. I'm young, why not have fun with it? I look back to Wendy and she still has that look on her face.

"Fine I'll go!" I decide as I tell her.

"Good." She says, then turns her full attention back to the lesson.

The bell rings shortly after, dismissing the students to their lives outside of this prison.

I take a deep breath, swallow my pride, and head towards Kyle's locker. He's already there, putting away his books and grabbing homework for the weekend. I nervously tap his shoulder and he turns to face me. His look of surprise quickly turns to a scowl.

"Hey dude" I start.

"What do you want Stan? I already told you I'm not gonna be a shoulder to cry on" He says, still clearly upset with me.

I take a deep breath and then speak again, this time with more confidence. "I just came to apologize. You were right about Craig and I should have listened to you."

"Yeah, you should have." His facial expression remains unchanged.

"I'm sorry that I didn't listen. I was lost in my own world and didn't realize that you were just trying to protect me. I get defensive too easily, you know that."

His expression finally softens and I take it as a cue to continue.

"Can we please be friends again? You're so important to me and I don't want to lose you."

He smiles. "Why can't I stay mad at you?"

I feel dejavu because I know he has said that before. I smile and open my arms. He gladly takes them and embraces me in a hug. I feel his warmth and heartbeat against my chest and pull him tighter. I fall into a slight trance until I feel him start to pull away. When I release him, he takes a step back and adjusts his collar, clearing his throat.

"Right… um so. Are you going to the party at Tokens tonight?" He asks in attempt to change the atmosphere.

"I guess so, I could use some fun."

He smiles. "Cool, I'll see you there dude."

He takes his leave and I can't help but watch him go. God, he's perfect. Wendy snaps me out of my daydreaming by coming behind me and grabbing my hand.

"You ready?" She smiles.

"Yeah, let's go home." I give her hand a squeeze and we walk out hand in hand.

We start walking toward my house and once we are out of view from the school we let go of each other. This has become our routine.

"Wendy?" I say.

"Hmm?"

"I've been thinking about this charade we've been putting on and I don't know if we should keep it going."

She breathes a sigh of relief. "I'm glad you said something. I've been thinking about it too. It's kind of fun but at the same time…"

"I know!" I finish her thoughts. "It's like, how are we going to embrace who we really are if the entire school still thinks we are going to get married one day?"

"Exactly!" she says. "So, are we 'breaking up'?"

I smile and nod.

"Okay, cool. Oooh! You know what you should do? You should let me come over and help you get ready for the party! You need to look nice for all those guys who don't know they're in the closet!" She jokes.

"Haha, very funny."

She smiles. "Still though, we should get ready together. We can help each other out."

"Okay, why not?"

We make it to her house first and I follow her upstairs. She closes the door behind us and turns on her heel to face me.

"Okay, let me get dressed here and then I can finish my hair and makeup while we are getting you ready!"

I nod in agreement. Without even taking a second to breathe, she starts to undress. She slides off her socks and shoes, takes her coat off, and lifts her shirt off over her head. I don't take my eyes off her. I don't know why I can't look away, it's not like I'm aroused or anything of the sort. I just keep looking and I realize how happy she is going to make someone one day. She stops before dropping the garment to the floor and turns to look at me, giving a small smile and chuckle.

"What?" She asks.

"Nothing." I chuckle and tear my gaze away, starting to fumble with an app on my phone.

When I look back up, she has completely changed clothes and is slipping into a skin-tight black dress. It's a halter top and only comes to the middle of her thighs. I've never seen her wear anything like this before. She lifts her hair with one arm and looks over her shoulder at me.

"Can you zip me up?"

"Oh, yeah sure."

I walk over and zip up the entire back of the dress with ease, slowly covering her fully exposed backside. She turns to her vanity and starts fumbling through her jewelry box.

"Thanks, okay, now which earrings should I wear?"

I smile and proceed to help her pick out accessories until she seems satisfied with a simple pair of silver hoops and a long necklace with an Eiffel Tower charm on it. She grabs a pair of wedges that look like the straps are more complex than any man would ever be able to comprehend, then slips her converse shoes back on and grabs her makeup bag and a flat iron.

"Okay, ready to get yourself ready?" She smiles.

We head back to my house and when we get there, the house is quiet aside from music blaring from my sister's bedroom. As soon as we get to my room she wastes no time before opening my closet and begins to go through my wardrobe. She digs to the back which is where I keep my clothes that never see the light of day. She pulls out a pair of jeans that my Aunt Flo got me two Christmases ago.

"Okay here, put these on." She tosses them to me and continues to dig through the closet.

I inspect the jeans and realize why I never wear them. They are dark skinny jeans that have washed out patches on the knees. I remember when I got them. I took one look and said I'd never wear them. I've never even tried them on.

"Wendy, I can't wear these, I'll look gay." Then I stop when I realize what I just said. Wendy just laughs and gestures me to put them on anyway.

I slip into the tight fabric and zip the zipper easily. I look down at myself and I feel ridiculous, I don't wear stuff like this. She turns to check out the jeans and smiles and gives an approving nod. After she picks out a black v-neck t-shirt for me to wear, I slip in on and take a deep breath. I turn to face the mirror on the inside of my closet door and can't help but smile a bit at my reflection.

"Very hot" Wendy comes behind me and places her chin on my shoulder. "Okay, let's do your hair."

After about an hour and a half, Wendy and I are finally ready to go to Tokens. She finished her hair and makeup in about 45 minutes and then turned her attention to me, straightening my hair and brushing it down nicely. With the finishing touch of my new cologne that I never wear, we are heading out the door.

I take a deep breath and wonder what exactly I let her talk me into.

End Ch. 15

 **Chapter is a bit slow, but I promise some good stuff is coming. Just as soon as my writers block goes away.**


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Once we arrive, the party is already in full swing. Music is vibrating off the walls and sloppy teenagers are grinding on each other in the middle of the very large living room. We had run about an hour late because we wanted to grab a bite to eat. It's never a good idea to drink on an empty stomach. I realize now, it doesn't take long for a group of under-aged teens to become completely smashed. Part of me wanted to get on the same level, another wanted to laugh at these drunken fools tripping over nothing and constantly losing their balance. I decided an even mix of the two would be just right and I went to the kitchen to mix myself a drink. Once in the kitchen I find Tweek chatting it up with Bebe against the counter. I swallow hard, because where there's Tweek there's… There he is, standing awkwardly a few feet away, refusing to take his gaze away from the jittery blonde. Only when Bebe greets me, does Craig acknowledge my presence.

"Wow Stan, you look hot!" She squeals. "Wendy's one lucky bitch"

"Oh actually…" But before I can speak Wendy is right behind me, and puts her hand on my shoulder.

"He cleans up nice, doesn't he?" She replies. "But actually, we decided that we are better off as just friends."

My eyes catch Craig's and he gives a small chuckle. God, that smug bastard! I want to rip that smug look right off his face, and at the same time, rip that shirt right off his chest. It's clear to me that I need to stay as far away from him as possible if I plan to have a good time tonight.

"Oh, well if you guys are both happy then I'm glad for you" Bebe says.

"I'm gonna go find Kyle or Kenny, or something…" I awkwardly say as I excuse myself from the kitchen.

It doesn't take me long to find Kyle, all I had to do was check the back porch. I find him with a beer in his left hand and a half-smoked cigarette in the right. He takes a deep inhale as I slide the glass door shut behind me.

"Hey dude" He greets. "Wow, don't you look nice?"

"Thanks, Wendy's idea. She wanted to help me get ready." I shrug.

"Ah, so you guys are still together and trying to make it work or…?" He shuffles his feet a bit.

"Friends" I say.

"Well that's good. She's cool and it's really awesome of her to understand."

She understands more than you know, I think to myself.

"I already saw her tonight, she's looking pretty dressed up herself. I wouldn't be surprised if she was with someone else by the end of the night." He smiles but then grits his teeth.

"You alright?" I ask, sensing slight pain in his face.

"Yeah, I've just got a killer headache. I'll probably take something for it when I get home, I don't plan on drinking that much."

Kyle and I continue to talk for what feels like hours and it reminds me of the good times, ya know, before I was gay and things were awkward. I shiver a bit and am about to ask Kyle if he wants to go back inside, but then I see him light his third or fourth cigarette since we've been talking. He looks over at me and notices my shivers.

"You can go back inside if you're cold, I'll finish this pretty quickly and I'll meet back up with you shortly."

I smile and nod then head back inside. I walk around for bit, realizing that I don't want to do anything but talk to Kyle. Hopefully he will come back inside soon. I plop myself down on the couch and close my eyes, downing the rest of the contents in my plastic red cup. I don't open my eyes until I feel the couch move next to me, someone has sat down. I open my eyes and turn my head, and of course it's the last person I want to see.

"Hey" He says, his voice is a bit sharp and edgy.

"Hey. Where's your jittery sidekick?" I ask, trying to hide the hatred in my voice.

"He's still talking to that big boobed bimbo. Her high-pitched voice gets on my nerves."

"Could it be because you love him? He's straight Craig, he's going to flirt with girls. Get over it."

"You wanna make out or something?" He asks, seemingly out of the blue.

I know that he is just upset about Tweek and wants to get his mind off him. He'd be using me, I know that. Stupid asshole. Why is it suddenly difficult to breathe and why can't I bring myself to push him away and say no? He leans in towards me and I'm overwhelmed with his scent that has haunted me all this time. He's so close and I want him again. No, no, no! I can't! I will not let myself get sucked into this again. I look up to meet his gaze and I melt. All my mental disagreements disappear and I find myself leaning in as well, our lips are mere inches apart. My mind is fuzzy and I feel like nothing can break this trance. I was wrong.

"Staaaaaan?" I hear a voice call.

I pull away from Craig and look to see Kyle approaching quickly. He runs up and grabs my hand. He doesn't seem like himself suddenly and I begin to wonder how much he could have had to drink since I left him outside a mere thirty minutes ago. I huge smile is plastered on his face and his forehead is glistening just a bit with sweat.

"Stan, let's dance."

He yanks me off the couch with ease and drags me to the center of the living room with the rest of the sweaty teens. The music blares and he starts to move his hips strangely. I can't help but think back to the third grade when Cartman insisted that Jews have no rhythm. I chuckle a bit and start to sway to the music. He smiles and comes closer to me. In a flash, he's behind me, reaching around and placing his hands on my hips, encouraging me to sway them more. My heart starts to beat hard against my chest and I am really wondering what has come over him. He pulls me close and I can feel his crotch grinding against my ass. He leans down to whisper in my ear and his breath on my neck makes me freeze.

"You look really fucking hot tonight Stan." He says breathily, running his hands from my hips to my crotch, cupping it slightly.

I pull away, turn to face him and look deeply into his eyes. Something is very wrong. His pupils are as big as olives.

"Kyle?"

"Shhhh, you're killing the moment."

He pulls me close and tries to turn me around again. Instead, I back away and pull him out of the circle of gyrating teens. I walk him over to the stairwell and push him against the wall.

"What the hell is going on?" I ask him, trying to keep from getting angry.

"I've been thinking about you a lot Stan, and tonight you just look so… so… fuckable."

He pulls me towards him and forcefully smashes his lips to mine. As much as I want to enjoy this and melt into it, I have enough will power to pull away. I grab his face and force him to look me in the eyes.

"What did you take Kyle?" I scan his eyes, concerned.

"What are you talking about? I'm just feelin goooooood." He smirks and tries to bring his lips to mine again.

I resist and keep my hold on his head. "Kyle, did you take some medicine for your headache?"

He nods.

"Where did you get it?"

He doesn't answer, instead, he stumbles a bit and loses his balance. I have to help keep him steady. I quickly scan the room, looking for Wendy. Luckily, I see her exiting the kitchen, and she seems to catch my worried gaze. She rushes over and wedges her shoulders under one of Kyle's arms and I do the same to his other side. We are able to steady him momentarily.

"Hey Wendy, you're looking good tonight." Kyle leans in closer to her and lays his head lazily against hers.

She ignores him and looks to me.

"We need to get him home and into bed, I think he's on something."

Kyle turns his head to me. "I can't go home like this, don't make me. Mom will be mad." He then tries to kiss me again with an open mouth but misses and ends up licking my cheek.

"Can he stay at your place?" Wendy asks

"Yeah, I guess that's a better idea. My parents are out of town again. But I don't know if we'll be able to carry him all the way there."

We walk him to the front porch and sit him on the swing. Wendy sits beside him and lets him lay his head on her shoulder. She lets out a sigh of frustration, having to constantly stop his hands from running up her thighs. I swallow my pride and call Shelly. I know she'll be awake, it's only half past midnight. Once she answers I explain the situation to her, and though she doesn't seem happy about it, she tells me she's on her way. I look at the pair on the swing and see the annoyance on Wendy's face. Kyle is attempting to kiss on her neck.

"Kyle, stop it, I like girls."

"Damn, just my luck, I'm not a girl." Then he looks up at me and smiles. "Stan doesn't like girls though"

I roll my eyes just as Shelly pulls up in the driveway, it only took her a few minutes to arrive. She walks up to join us on the porch, and lifts Kyles chin so that his eyes meet hers. Kyle gives a goofy grin and Shelly releases him.

"He's on X" she states.

"Jesus, are you sure?"

"Don't doubt me, now come on, let's get him in the car."

The entire way back to my house I'm having to stop Kyle's unintentional advances. He keeps kissing on my neck and trying to rub my junk. Wendy is in the front seat with Shelly making small chit chat. It's taking everything I have in me right now to keep from giving in and kissing him right back.

Once we make it to my house, the girls help me carry Kyle upstairs. Once he's in my bed, they head downstairs so I can help him out of his heavy clothing. I slide off his socks and shoes and remove his jacket.

"Your ass felt nice grinding against me." he mutters.

"Okay dude, time to get you to bed." I open a bottle of water and bring it up to his lips, tilting it slightly.

"Drink" I order, and he takes a small sip.

I then start to unbutton his jeans and slide them off, leaving him in only his boxers and his t-shirt. I would be blind if I didn't notice his rock-hard erection under the boxers. I would be straight if I didn't feel the need to touch it. And I would be stupid if I actually did. Kyle is not in his right mind and I refuse to take advantage of him, I'm not a shitty person okay? I shut off my lamp and head for the door. He grabs my wrist and stops me.

"Please, look what tasting you in the car did. You have to help me." he whimpers and places my hand on his erection.

When my fingers unwillingly graze it, he lets out a loud moan. I bite my lip and do my best to resist. We can work all this out in the morning when he's sober. I refuse to let my hormones get the best of me. I lean down and kiss him. I know I shouldn't have but I might never see him again once he wakes up. The kiss is quick and practically platonic.

"Goodnight Ky" I say. Despite his whimpering, I will myself to exit the room.

I release a breath I didn't even realize I was holding and head downstairs to thank Wendy for her help. When I am halfway down the stairs I see the two girls on the sofa. They aren't chit chatting anymore. They are kissing. Yeah, you heard that right. My ex and my sister playing a full round of tonsil hockey on our family couch. Upon further inspection, I notice that Wendy's hands are making their way up the front of my sister's shirt.

"Jesus Christ" I mutter and pinch the bridge of my nose.

End Ch 16


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

When I wake, my body is on fire! It's so hot that I'm sweating. I lazily open my eyes and see a sweaty, messy mop of red curls next to me. Oh, that's right, Kyle crashed here last night. Ugh, it's so hot in here, why is it so hot? Then I notice, Kyle has his arm and leg thrown over me, spooning my side and has his head laid on my shoulder. God, this guy is like a fucking heater. I looked at the clock, it was 5am, too early to start the day. My mind starts to wonder back to last night, I hadn't had much to drink but I suppose I was more tired than I thought.

 _After my outburst on the stairs, the girls had noticed my presence and immediately ceased all actions; pulling away from one another frantically. I didn't say anything else to them, just stared at them awkwardly. Wendy had stood up quickly, ruffled her dress, and said that she should be going. I didn't bother to analyze anything further, I just turned around and walked back up the stairs. I didn't hear them say anything else, just the front door opening and shutting, which I assumed was Wendy heading home. When I got back to my bedroom, I was pleased to find that Kyle had passed out and was snoring loudly. My clock on the wall displayed 1am and I figured it would be best to get some shut eye. I slipped off my jeans and got under the covers. Luckily my bed is a queen and I could easily share the bed with Kyle without having to make much physical contact. I was out before my head even hit the pillow._

I shuffled a bit, kicking off the covers. I carefully used my left leg to push Kyle's leg off my right side, then as gently as I could, peeled his arm off me. I didn't want to wake him. I didn't know much about X but I figured sleep was good. I inched over just a bit before I heard his breathing hitch. His eyes fluttered open, gently at first but then shot open violently once he realized how close we are. He rolled to his back and realized that over half of the bed was behind him.

"Oh, shit dude. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hog the bed."

"It's cool, you were passed out pretty hard." My voice cracks just a bit. I then notice that the entire right sleeve of my t-shirt is soaking wet.

"Aww, dude, you drooled on me." I sit up quickly and whip my shirt off, tossing it to the floor.

Kyle blushed a bit and wiped his mouth. "Sorry."

Curiosity set in, I'd never done anything harder than weed before and I was wondering if taking ecstasy was the same as drinking too much.

"Hey, Ky?" I ask quietly, laying back down.

"Hmm" He hums, still slightly sleepy.

"How much do you remember from last night?"

"Honestly?" He sighs "All of it"

I'm suddenly nervous, he remembers all of it? He remembers the dancing? He remembers kissing me and rubbing my dick? Oh God! I swallow dryly and am silent because I don't know what to say. I can't think. I guess I should start with something to make him not feel so bad.

"It's not your fault Kyle, you were drugged, you didn't know what you were doing. Do you remember who drugged you?"

He sighs and his response was shaky. "I- um… It was me. I… I knew what I was taking. I just, didn't realize that it would hit me as hard as it did, I guess."

I couldn't wrap my head around things, why would Kyle willingly take drugs? It didn't seem like him at all. Then I thought about him smoking on that back porch. I watched him chain-smoke at least three, if not four cigarettes. He had said before that he has one when he's stressed. He and I hadn't spoken in so long, and I was really wondering what I had missed. Him, that's what I missed. I missed him. We always told each other everything. Or, at least we used to. I sighed. Did he try drugs last night because the cigarettes weren't enough to ease his stress anymore? I felt like a shitty friend, I had been mean to him when he was only trying to protect me.

"I'm sorry Kyle."

He seems taken back. "What for?"

"Being a dick to you about the whole Craig thing, and for just being a dick in general I guess. I'm a shit friend."

He stares at the ceiling. "You aren't a shit friend Stan, I am. I let myself slip into a state where I had no filter. I was doing things to you that I shouldn't have. I mean shit dude, I groped you without permission, slammed my tongue in your mouth and on your neck, and yet you still took care of me and brought me here. You could have easily just left me there, or worse, taken me home to face my mother's wrath, but you didn't. You are gay, have told me that you have, or had, feelings for me but refused to let me do anything. You are not a shit friend."

I bite my lip and my gaze joins his on the ceiling. So, he really did remember everything. When I don't say anything, he continues.

"So, if anyone should be sorry, it's me. I could have screwed up our friendship even more than it already was."

"Why?" was all I could ask.

"Well because you know, hormones and-"

"No" I cut him off "I mean, why did you willingly take ecstasy?"

He sighs "I don't know. I guess I was wanting to let loose a little?"

I chuckle. "Kyle, you didn't let loose a little, you let loose a lot!"

He doesn't chuckle with me like he normally would. He keeps his eyes on the ceiling, looking deep in thought. He bites his lip and finally tears his gaze away, bringing it to me. When I look at him, my stomach drops hard and I feel my heart start to punch my ribs. Oh no, not this again. I want things to go back to the way things were! I want my best friend back. I want to be able to look at him like I used to. We could be closer than this and it wouldn't be awkward. Now, being this close, my mind refuses to think about anything other than jumping his bones.

I have to scoot over, I have to look away, I have to do something. My body starts to move, but not in the direction that I want it to. It's moving toward Kyle, not away from him. Shit, shit, shit. My lips meet his and I place a gentle peck on his lips. Fuck! Fuck, shit, fucking shit! That is not what I meant to do. What the fuck is wrong with me?! My eyes shoot open and I pull away.

"Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Do… do it again"

"What?"

He doesn't respond with words. He brings his lips to mine in a short peck again. When he pulls away, his eyes look conflicted, they are flicking around, taking in every detail of my face. I find myself doing the same to him. Before I can even take a breath, we are kissing again. This kiss is extremely heated and passionate, like it's years of sexual tension finally being let out. He runs his fingers across my bare chest, and rolls on top of me. His fingers run through my hair and he gives it a slight tug. He doesn't know what he's doing. How am I going to put a stop to this if he keeps turning me on so much? I snap out if it, grab his shoulders and push up on him slightly, forcing his eyes to meet mine.

"What?" he asks, breathing hard.

"Kyle… I… I can't do this, get off me." I push him harder.

He backs off, sitting beside me and giving me a look of severe confusion.

"Kyle, what are you doing? You're straight, you've told me so. You can't be straight and kiss guys, dude. That is like, the opposite of what being straight is." I push myself up to a sitting position, look straight into his eyes, and try to read him.

"I don't want to kiss guys… just… I don't know dude." He puts his face in his hands and mumbles something into them.

"What? I can't understand you dude!"

He removes his hands and repeats himself.

"I said, for whatever reason, I can't get you out of my head."

I breathe out. "what do you mean?"

"Okay, well… That night when I snuck in through your window, everything was normal. I stopped by to check on you. I saw your arm and something snapped in me. I tried to kiss you, and you stopped me. You said that you couldn't let me do that. I was a mess of emotions. I couldn't understand why my heart was beating so hard. I don't think it was then when it started, but when Craig came through your window, I don't know. It was like someone lit a match and set my heart on fire. I felt jealous. Jealous! I couldn't believe it. I know I said things to Craig that night that were out of character for me, but I wanted to hurt him. The reason, was because he was hurting me. He had taken you away. I found myself challenging him. Remember, I asked him if he even knew your favorite color? I didn't know it then, but I wanted you to realize that I was much better than he was. On the way home, I was so angry. I smoked so many cigarettes that I can't even remember. That night, when I was asleep… I had… this dream."

My heart was beating so hard that it physically hurt. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This is the guy that had turned me away, the guy that broke my heart because he assured me that he was straight. I tried to look at this from an outside perspective. If I let myself become too involved, I know I'll end up hurt again. Still, my mind was a curious little bastard. I had to know. I licked my lips and swallowed.

"What was this dream?"

Kyle's face turned scarlet. "It was… er… um… sexual in nature."

"Why don't you explain it to me."

He clears his throat and shifts uncomfortably. "Well, um… you um… you were…"

I could see his mind racing. As he thought back to this dream his face turned even redder than before. I looked down and see that his boner was back. His eyes follow mine and he notices his erection. He pulls his knees up to his chest in attempt to conceal it.

I chuckle. "I've already seen your wood dude, no point hiding it now." I smirk "So what did I do in this dream?"

"I… I dreamt you were giving me head, okay?"

"ah. Well… was I good?" I bite my lip

"I… I uh, I came in my sleep." He puts his head in his hands again. Damn, he's cute when he's embarrassed.

I smirk a bit, and look down in my lap.

"I don't want you to end up regretting this. If you're straight, then you're straight." I shrug.

"Stan, I've given a lot of thought to this. Though my actions last night were drug fueled, it doesn't necessarily mean that I didn't want to do them. I've been thinking about it for the last two weeks. I know that I like girls, but I also know that I can't stop thinking about you and that I want to do things with you that aren't what straight guys want to do to other guys. I've been feeling sexual tension, and I don't know how to handle it properly. Labels are stupid but I guess if I had to pick one right now… Bisexual seems to fit okay…"

I nod and lick my lips. "So, um… what do you want to do right now?"

"Honestly?" he asks.

"Yeah…"

"I want to fuck your brains out."

End Ch 17.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Sex can be very problematic. You could say it doesn't mean anything but it almost always does. If you are lusting after someone and then act on it, it could make things weird. You say that nothing will change between the two of you, but once you've seen someone in such a vulnerable state, everything changes. Kyle and I had sex. I'd been waiting for so long to release all this pent up sexual tension, and I do feel a lot better… but at the same time I don't. It wasn't like the sex was bad necessarily, just awkward.

" _Honestly?"_

" _Yeah…"_

" _I want to fuck your brains out!"_

 _That took me by surprise. He lunged forward and brought his lips to mine again._

Things escalated pretty quickly from there. I think back to it now and I don't really know how to describe it. All this time I imagined that finally having sex with Kyle would be like a dream. I would be walking on air, and the sky would clear. I would feel fuzzy and warm. I had imagined that feeling him with me, beside me, on me, in me… would feel amazing and perfect. It didn't. It wasn't that it felt bad, because it didn't! The sex was not horrible, but my heart wasn't in it as much as I thought it would be. I wanted to fix what I had with Kyle, and boy was this the wrong way to go about it.

 _Kyle finally rolled off me, or bodies completely drenched in sweat. He lay next to me, his breath starting to slow back to a normal pace. He looks over to me and asks the question that I was hoping he wouldn't._

" _So, um… how was that?" he runs his fingers through his sweat-soaked bangs._

" _Well… It felt good, I mean, ya know…. I think the question more applies to you. I've had gay sex before, you haven't. So, how was that for you?"_

" _I don't want things to get messed up between us again Stan…" He says quietly._

" _Did you like it?" I ask anyway._

" _I mean, it felt really good…." Then he bit his lip "What about you?"_

 _I couldn't lie to him, lies tear friendships apart. If we were going to start this friendship over again, it needed to have an honest nature._

" _Kyle… I…" I sighed. "I think I love Craig."_

 _He seemed taken back._

" _I wasn't expecting that but I…. I guess I understand. I mean, this was probably a one-time thing anyways, right?"_

" _I swear dude, it wasn't bad, I just wasn't fully in it…" I pinched the bridge of my nose. "I had been looking forward to this for so long, but then I convinced myself it was never gonna happen. I'm dealing with some shit in my head that has me really fucked up. I'm so sorry dude."_

" _Calm down dude. I don't think I was truly in it either. I was just trying to make the dreams and sexual tension go away… I feel better now, really." He smiled a smile that seemed forced._

Kyle said he understood, I truly hope he did. I wouldn't want to hurt him, I've been hurt like that and it really sucks. That's the whole reason that I'm so fucked up. I don't understand sexuality at all! How can it seem like such a clear-cut thing when it clearly isn't? You think you know what and who you're into one day, and then BAM! Out of the blue, you wanna suck a dick! God this sucks. I just hope that things will be okay with Kyle. After he said that, he just got dressed and said he'd see me Monday. He left, again. I always get worried when I see him leave like that. I worry that I'll never have his friendship again. The last few time's he's left like that, it put bumps in our friendship. I glance at the clock on the wall and it now read 7:45am.

I sigh and get up to go to the bathroom. I'm stopped in my tracks when I hear giggling that sounded vaguely familiar. I look down the hall and see that the door to Shelly's room was cracked open. As I approached, the whispers became louder. Something came over me, making all common sense disappear. I opened the door and peered inside.

"Oh, my god!" I blurt out. I can't do anything but stare, frozen in place.

"Hey, what the fuck? Get out! Shut the door!" Shelly yells when she sees me, pulling up the blanket to hide herself.

I pull the door shut and turn on my heels. My heart is pounding hard and I can't make my feet move. What the fuck did I just see? I shake my head and walk to the bathroom, looking myself over in the mirror. My pulse finally starts to slow and I can breathe again. Once I'm finished in the bathroom, I walk to my room as fast as I can. I want to avoid any other awkward situations God has planned for me today. I lay back down on my bed and try my best to fall back asleep. The sooner this day is over, the better.

I'm woken up by a knock on my door. The clock says 11am. I had slept another three hours. I groan and sit up. "Come in" I yell. When Shelly walks into my room, my head starts pounding and I'm flooded with memories of walking in on her this morning. She comes and sits with me on the bed, and stares down at the floor.

"Why did you come in my room? What if I was masturbating or something?" She asks, still not looking at me.

I sigh "Why do I almost feel like that would have been better than what I did see?"

She doesn't say anything, she just starts picking at her nail beds.

"Why her? I mean, she's my ex. Plus, she's a minor. You're 20, don't be stupid."

"Are you going to tell mom and dad?" she sighs.

"You didn't tell them about me, so no."

She smiles a bit.

"So, when mom and dad finally do find out, how do you think they'll feel about having two gay kids?"

My face flushes.

"Wendy told you?" I ask angrily, feeling betrayed.

"No, she didn't, but you just did." Her smile widens.

"Shit!" I pinch the bridge of my nose again.

"Plus, the walls of this house are pretty thin, even at 5 in the morning. We can be considered even now. You walked in on me, and I had to hear you moan loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear."

My entire face turns crimson.

"You know Shelly, I didn't even realize that you liked girls. How long have you known?"

"Since I was 15." She shrugs "Sometimes you just know."

I chuckle. "I didn't realize that we even had anything in common." Then I shudder "Ugh, but now I guess we have Wendy in common. Does that bother you? Having sex with someone that you know your brother also has?"

She shuffles uncomfortably. "She and I didn't really talk about that…We actually didn't really talk much at all. You don't still have feelings for her, do you?"

"No, but she is one of my best friends. It's just kind of weird I guess."

Silence comes again and it feels awkward still, but then she lets out a chuckle.

"Hey, let's come out to mom and dad together! It'll be hilarious! You can go first, saying 'Dad, mom, I'm gay. I like men!' Then when Dad says, 'I have a gay son?' I can pipe in and say 'and daughter!' It would be so funny."

I chuckle a bit, but then my smile fades. "Why do I feel like dad would support you but not me? I mean, I know that Mom will be there for us no matter what, but don't you think it would break dads heart for his only son to be gay?"

She thinks for a moment "Maybe, but dad loves you. He will understand, even if it takes him a little while to adjust."

"I'm not ready to come out yet, I just discovered my true self recently. I don't want anyone else to know yet. Please don't tell anyone!"

She smiles and gestures zipping a zipper on her lips. It makes me feel better. She pats my shoulder, stands up, and leaves.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Shelly is the first family member I came out to, even if it was kind of forced. It turned out even better than I expected because now I know that I'm not alone. Shelly and I have never been close, I figured we never would be. Lately though, a lot of things have been happening that surprise me.

I fall back on my bed and sigh loudly. I have been through a lot this morning, but it probably isn't a good idea to go back to sleep. My mind has become a huge library of thoughts, though none of them are quiet like a library should be. I can't remember the last time my head was quiet, I look forward to when that day finally comes.

I told Kyle that I think I love Craig. Is that true? I wish it wasn't, but I've learned denying things lead to trouble, even if it takes a while for you to realize it. I bite at my lip and reach for my phone, running my fingers over the screen gently. I'm having second thoughts. Damn it Marsh, you'll never be happy if you don't take life by the balls!

I open my messenger and scroll to the name that I swore I'd never write to again.

'Hey, um… I need to talk to you. Meet me at Starks Pond in 30 mins.' Send.

I took a deep breath and got dressed. I go to grab my keys from my desk and notice an abandoned piece of paper under a text book. I pull it out and look it over. I bite my lip before I set it down and take a pen to it, updating it.

 _Stan's Hit It List:_

 _Kyle;_ _ **Check**_

 _Wendy; Check_

 _Craig; Check_

I sigh and crumple up the paper, tossing it into my waste bin. I turn and look at the room I had been in all morning, thinking this morning's events over one last time. I shake my thoughts off, walk out the door, and make my way to Starks Pond.

End Ch. 18


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

When I arrive at Starks Pond, there is no one around. I take a seat on the bench and stare out into the water. It's quiet and I sit there for what feels like hours. When I check my phone, it's been 45 minutes. I begin to wonder if he's even coming. He hasn't responded to my message at all. I don't think he's mad at me or anything, maybe he's just busy. I didn't really give any warning, he could still be sleeping.

"Hey" a voice behind me says

I jump a bit, startled by my sudden company. He walks around the bench and plops down next to me.

"Hey" I respond quietly.

"So, what's up?"

"Okay, so I'm gonna talk and just try to get everything off my chest, okay?"

"Sure" He smirks his usual Craig smirk.

"Okay, so ever since I found your hit-it list, I've been driving myself crazy. I don't know what's going on with me anymore and I feel like it's your fault! I can't get my mind straight. I went home from your place and after getting incredibly drunk, I made my very own 'hit it' list. It seemed like a good idea at the time and only had three people on it; Kyle, Wendy, and you. I was angry and almost did it out of spite. Then I started thinking more about what you said, that sleeping with people is a good coping mechanism. You were wrong! Sleeping with your friends causes problems and complications!"

He smirks again "So you slept with Kyle?"

"Yes, I slept with Kyle." I mumble.

"I guess it wasn't that great based on your reaction." He chuckles.

"Don't laugh asshole! It's not funny! I thought for the longest time that getting with Kyle was something that I really wanted. Now that it's actually happened, I don't know why I wanted to in the first place. I don't know how I didn't think it would be problematic. I'm probably gonna lose Kyle's friendship now! Sleeping with people causes problems. I don't know how you do it so carelessly, I don't get how it doesn't completely fuck you up in the head!"

His smile fades a bit. "Stan, you're over-thinking it."

"No Craig, I think you're under-thinking it!" I snap.

"Is this about your feelings for me?"

My stomach drops, and I feel sick. Is that what this was about? Why did I even want to meet with him in the first place? I never think things through.

"Look Marsh…er… Stan… I think you're hot, and I really like hanging out with you and fooling around with you, but that's all I want. I'm not interested in being in a relationship. I'm not a romantic in any way, I am just a sexual person. I don't attach myself to others, I never have and never will. When I leave this hick town, I plan on getting a studio apartment all to myself, and making a living being a videographer. The future I have planned for myself doesn't include anyone else in it. It used to include Tweek, but now it doesn't. I've accepted that I will never get married or have a family, and that pleases me to think about. I do best when I'm alone, with the occasional fling. I don't like people enough to be forever tied to someone. I don't crave long term companionship like everyone else. I hope I'm making sense."

I listen to his words and believe him. I understand where he is coming from, and I should have seen this coming. This is Craig we are talking about, he's always been a loner and seemed just fine with it. One question still sits in the back of my mind though.

"You are making sense. I do just have one question though. What is it about Tweek that makes him the exception?"

"Ya know" He chuckles "That's a question I've been asking myself for years, and I still don't completely know the answer. I guess it's because Tweek and I are so alike, and we've been friends for so long that it's almost as if he's just another part of me. If I was with Tweek, it would feel like we are basically just one person. That's as far as I've figured it out so far. Okay, now I know I'm not making sense. I've never really put words behind my thoughts on Tweek before." He scratches the back of his head.

"I get that. That's how I felt with Kyle for a long time." I shrug.

"So why is that different now? You and Kyle have been friends forever. You look out for each other, take care of the other, and make each other happy. What changed?"

I sigh "I guess, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I let stupid shit get in the way of just letting life take it's coarse. I've always been afraid of getting hurt and… I don't know. I just discovered that I like men, and Kyle seemed to distance himself at first. You were the first guy to give me attention and I guess I latched on like the stupid leech I am. I wish I was like you, I wish that I didn't develop feelings for people that were deeper than lust. It would be easier that way."

He stares blankly out into the pond. "You don't want to be like me. It ends up just being a lot of drama. I know that sleeping around without feelings is seen as disgusting, but It's just who I am. I don't feel romantic feelings, and many people, yourself included, take it way too personally. I did some research and I think I may be what is classified as an aromantic. You know that old saying, 'It's not you, it's me'? Well, that's really how it is for me and so many people don't understand and think I'm just a huge jerk."

I nod again, what he's saying is making a lot of sense. I'd done a bit of research on sexuality once I figured something was different about me, but I had no idea that the spectrum was this broad. I thought there were just gays, bis, and straights.

"You aren't like me. You love people in a romantic way, and that is great! You need to let go of me and pursue others that can give you the companionship you desire, because I don't think I ever can, and that's not your fault so don't blame yourself okay?" He puts his hand on my shoulder.

"I don't blame myself, I get it now that you've told me. I have to ask though, why you didn't tell me earlier?"

He brings his gaze to meet mine. "Because I'm just now starting to understand it myself. I still don't fully understand because the fact that I'm in love with Tweek throws most of the theories on aromantics out the window. I just figure that if people can be 'gay for just one person' or 'straight for just one person' then why can't it be the same for me? Tweek is the exception, I don't know exactly why yet, but he is."

I smile at that "Craig, labels are stupid. Wouldn't it just be easier to identify as yourself and fuck what people think? Kyle said something to me before we slept together. He said 'labels are stupid but I guess if I had to pick one, bisexual seems to fit okay.' He shouldn't have to pick a label, he should just be able to be himself. Ya know, for the last three months I have been driving myself crazy trying to figure out WHAT I am instead of WHO I am. Now I'm realizing through this conversation, it doesn't fucking matter. I am me, and that's all there is to it."

He returns my smile upon hearing my words. I feel like so many weights have been lifted off my shoulders. This is the moment of realization I had been waiting for. Who cares who you have feelings for or who you want to fuck? It doesn't matter, you just have to do what feels right for you. As long as both parties are consenting, what does it matter what they have in their pants?

"Stan, what happened with Kyle? Is anything going to happen between the two of you?"

"I don't know for sure, but I know that I'm going to talk things through with him and discuss true feelings, now that I know that nothing is going to happen here, I can be 100 percent honest with not only him, but with myself."

I realize now, that even though I have feelings for Craig, he can't return those feelings. Kyle can, and Kyle does, I know now where I really should be. Now that I've had closure with Craig, maybe things can work out with Kyle like I originally wanted. I stand up because I know what I need to do now.

"I need to go Craig, but I wanted to say thank you!"

He chuckles "What the hell for?"

"I came here looking for answers, and you've given them to me. I've received closure, and now I can move on with my life. You've helped me more than you could ever know, so really, thank you for that."

He smiles, and joins me on his feet. He wraps his arms around me and embraces me in a hug that is so comforting that it almost brings me to tears.

"I really hope that you get what you want out of life, I think you're a pretty awesome person Marsh."

I return the embrace and squeeze him tight "Thank you Craig, you're pretty awesome too! Maybe Tweek will come around."

He chuckles at that "I wish, but I'm in the state of acceptance as far as that goes, I'll be fine. As for you, go get him!"

End Ch 19

 **A/N: So, if you couldn't already tell, this story is coming to an end. I'm thinking maybe just one or two more chapters. Thank you so much for your continued support. I'm going to be starting a new story soon that will be loosely based on real events that have happened in my life. It will be a Wendy story, so if you don't like her, I'm sorry. I hope you'll still read it anyway! Thanks again, and don't forget to review!**


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

I find myself panting hard as I reach the Broflovski residence. I put my hands on my knees and try to catch my breath. I had run all the way from Starks Pond to here. It was now 2 o'clock and I was praying that Kyle had come back here. Before I can regain my composure the front door swings open, and I look up to see Kyle staring down at me with a confused look on his face.

"Stan, what are you doing he-"

I cut him off by forcefully smashing my lips to his, pulling him deeper by the collar of his shirt. I have to stand on my tiptoes to get a good capture on his mouth. He quickly falls into the kiss and pulls me inside, turning the tables and pinning me against the door once he has shut it behind us. His hands travel feverishly under my shirt and across my chest, then travel south quickly.

"Who is it bubbie?" His mom yells from the kitchen.

Kyle quickly pulls away from me and grabs my arm, dragging me up the stairs.

"It's just Stan ma, we are gonna play videogames in my room."

Once we make it up the stairs he practically tosses me into his bedroom, closing the door behind him and turning the lock until it clicks. He turns on his heel and grabs my shoulders, hungrily taking my lips again. As he is frantically taking our kiss deeper, he walks forward, backing me up until the back of my knees hit his bed. He presses his entire body against mine and I can feel his dick is standing at attention. We both break away to catch our breath.

"So, I'm guessing the dreams haven't stopped?" I ask breathily.

He pants a bit before bringing his lips to the shell of my ear and whispers, "I haven't slept today, so I don't know, but I don't want them to stop."

This causes me to whimper as he throws me back onto the bed and topples down on top of me. The feverish kissing picks back up as he begins to grind against me. I can't believe how happy I am right now. How could I have ever doubted that this is what I wanted? Now that I've had my closure, I feel the fireworks I thought I would. My whole body is on fire and I'm loving every minute of it! Then Kyle pulls away.

"Stan, don't take this the wrong way but I need to know why this is happening. What about Craig?"

I brushed my nose against his "Don't worry about Craig, turns out I just needed closure. He can't return my feelings, but you can and I'm so glad you do!"

"You promise that in a week or two you won't regret this and change your mind? I need to be completely sure, because I've spent all day convincing myself that this morning was just a fluke… even if I didn't want it to be."

"I promise Ky, please believe me. I never want either of us to be hurting over this again."

He smiles and kisses me again. "I believe you."

"Good, now get over here."

He smirks "Yes sir."

He closes the gap between our lips again and resumes rocking his hips. I feel myself succumbing to pure bliss and just allow the lust and animal instincts to take over. I reach around him and practically tear his shirt in attempt to get it off him. Clothes are so stupid, what's the point of them anyway? His erection is grinding roughly against mine and I'm feeling irritated once again with clothing. I push him off my gently to where he's on his knees so I can get onto mine, refusing to let our lips part for more than just a few moments. I work my way from his lips down to his neck and then up to the shell of his ear.

"Ky, take your clothes off."

I didn't have to ask him twice. In a flash both of us are completely nude and are back to fighting for dominance with our tongues. Kyle breaks away to catch his breath.

"There is something that I want to try that I keep dreaming about, can we try it?"

"Sure, what is it?" I ask, still slightly panting.

"Get back on your knees and get as close to me as you can."

I nod and crawl back over to him, getting on my knees as instructed and he mimics my actions. Once we are back to how we were, he locks his lips with mine. Then, to my surprise, I feel him take both our cocks in his hand, rubbing them against one another while pumping. I had seen this in gay porn, but I had never experienced it before. The unfamiliar sensation and heat cause me to moan into his mouth, and break away to lay my forehead on his sweaty shoulder. This feels nice, but I want more. I'm enjoying this way more now that my head and heart are here, and I want to taste him. I take control and grab his shoulders, tossing him beside me onto his back. I immediately dive down, take his shaft into my hand and begin to pump him, while my tongue teases his tip. He arches his hips forward and breathes very audibly.

"fuu… dude…mm… please…"

I smirk and look up to see that his eyes are closed and he has his knuckles between his teeth. I take this as my cue to continue, and take his head in my mouth. He must think I'm doing great because he takes his free hand and tangles his fingers in my hair, giving it a tug. He must remember from before that that always turns me on. I let out a moan around his dick and begin to use hand-mouth coordination, pumping him and bobbing simultaneously. Fuck he tastes good. When we fucked for the first time, that's all it really was. I had prepped myself and just let him fuck me. This time, things were so much better, seriously… SOOOO much better! I had noticed that he was bigger than Craig, but now that his dick was in my mouth, it was painfully obvious. My jaw was becoming slightly sore, but I could tell he was really enjoying it, and I want to pleasure him.

"Stan, I'm really close. Can I fuck you?"

I bring my lips off him, suction creating a pop noise. "Sure. Do you want me to prep myself, or do you want to try?"

He bites his lip "I… I want to try, but I'm worried I might hurt you."

"I'll talk you through it, you got any lube?"

He nods, reaches under his bed and pulls out a small grey bottle, then looks at me expectantly. I can't help but smile at him. I take his hand into mine, and the bottle of lube in the other, then coat his ring, middle, and index finger. I lay on my back and give him a genuine smile.

"Okay, so start with the ring finger… just kind of rub my asshole and then VERY slowly, slide your finger inside and move it gently. I'll tell you when you can add more fingers." I instruct.

He nods and does as he's told. His finger is cold from the lube, but not uncomfortable. Once I've adjusted I tell him to add a second finger, and again, he does as he's told. He moves them around and I feel myself stretching nicely. Then, he hits it and all I can see are stars."

"Fuck Kyle!" I practically scream.

He freezes and his face is overcome with worry. "Are you alright? Did I hurt you?"

My response is shaky and lustful. "Fuck no you didn't, you hit my prostate… do it again… please?"

He bites his lip in concentration and watches his fingers, trying to mimic the movement he just did.

"Like that?"

I'm biting my lip so hard that I swear I could draw blood. I nod frantically, wordlessly begging him to keep doing what he's doing. He surprises me by adding the third finger, I guess he could feel that I had relaxed. He keeps brushing my prostate and I don't ever want him to stop, but then I feel a rush of emptiness when he removes all the fingers.

"Can I fuck you now please? I don't know if I can wait any longer."

Again, I nod, and he lubes up his dick. He places it at my entrance and pushes into me slowly. His inhales loudly, feeling the intense warmth and pressure. He is being gentle, just like the first time. I want to know what he's really like without any restraint.

"You aren't gonna break me, please, fuck me how you really want to." I beg.

He picks up the pace a bit, but I can still tell he's holding back.

"Harder, faster!" I order.

That does it, and he begins moving franticly, fucking me as fast and hard as he possibly can. I look up to see that his cheeks are filled with blood, and his forehead is starting to sweat. Yeah! This is the good stuff!

"Stan, If I keep going like this, I'm gonna cum."

"I want you to. Cum for me Ky!"

That sends him over the edge. He shudders and slows his pace, riding out his orgasm. His moans are an amazing symphony in my ears. I could listen to him forever. He pulls out and flops down on top of me. I feel him lay his head on my hip bone, clearly exhausted. I feel a sense of happiness and comfort being here with him, and I'm glad this is where we ended up. I start to feel sleepy and almost doze off when I feel my dick suddenly become very wet and very warm. To my surprise, I look down and see that Kyle has taken me into his mouth.

"Oh, that's okay dude, you don't have to." I say.

He pulls off me and says, "I want to Stan. You didn't get to cum. I want you to. I've never done this before though so…"

How could I say no to that? He goes to work, and it feels amazing. For someone who's never done this before, I have absolutely no complaints. He mimics the tongue and hand movements I was using on him earlier and I feel myself approaching orgasm almost too quickly.

"Mmmm… damn Kyle… I'm getting really close. You should probably finish me with your hand if you don't want me to accidently cum in your mouth…" I practically pant.

He doesn't make any effort to pull away, but runs his thumb reassuringly across my hip bone. I can't hold back anymore and release my seed down his throat. He sits up, and I hand him a tissue from the night stand to spit into. He smiles and swallows proudly, and I can't help but blush, because, damn that was hot. He comes and lays next to me, resting his head on my side.

"Well… That was unexpected… How was it?" I ask.

"Kinda salty." He answers honestly.

I can't help but chuckle at that and begin to run my fingers through his silky curls.

"So… What does this make us?" I ask hesitantly, afraid to ruin the moment.

"How about boyfriends?" He smiles.

"Really?" I ask, not bothering to hide my enthusiasm.

He chuckles. "Yes, really."

I lay my head against his, pull the covers over us, and we drift off, both exhausted. I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe I let myself get so carried away these last few months. If I had just been a little more patient, I probably could have had this a long time ago. I sleepily kiss the top of Kyle's head, and feel warmth arise in my heart. For the first time since I came out, I feel like I'm 100 percent happy. There is nothing that could ruin this for me now! I knew I never stopped loving Kyle, I had just been distracted, and now, I will never need another distraction again.

 **End**


	21. Epilogue

Epilogue

 _ **6 years later**_

"Come on Stan, or we're gonna be late" Kyle called from downstairs.

I climb down the rickety stairs of our tiny loft apartment to see Kyle waiting by the front door. When he sees me, he smiles.

"Seriously dude? You're hopeless."

He reaches for my tie on my suit and ties it for me. I smile and give him a quick peck on the lips.

"You ready?" He asks.

We head off to the church and my mind feels blissful as I watch the trees whip by through the passenger window. Life is funny sometimes. You have pain and hurt, but you need to feel it to understand what true happiness really is. Sometimes you need to spend some time figuring yourself out and learning who you really are. I've certainly learned that you have to love and accept yourself before you can ever expect anyone else to love you. I'm lucky with Kyle that way, some others aren't so lucky. Wendy is still off at med school. She and my sister were together for a year and a half of fighting and bickering before they decided it wasn't worth it anymore. Wendy and I still text every once in a while, and see each other around the holidays. Kenny had moved out of state to help direct pornography and is enjoying the bachelor life, go figure. As for Craig…

Kyle and I take our seats just as the church goes quiet. Two doors, opposite sides of the stage, open simultaneously and someone emerges from each door, greeting each other by joining hands in the center of the stage. Kyle grabs my hand and caresses my knuckles with his thumb.

"We are gathered here today, for the bonding of two wonderful individuals who wish to become one. Do you, Craig Tucker, take Tweek Tweak to be your wedded husband for better or worse, sickness or health, rich or poor, so long as you both shall live?"

 **FIN**

 **Wow… It's finally finished. I'm so glad I decided to keep it going. It became difficult drawing it to a close and I know it got a little wishy-washy there at the end, but I think I'm happy with how it turned out. Thank you so much for the reviews and follows. It means a lot! I hope you enjoyed reading and be sure to leave a final review. Loved it? Hated it? Let me know!**


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